This is hands down, one of my all-time favorite dining establishments. Even after watching the creepiest of documentaries Food, Inc. and subsequently swearing off all recognizable forms of animal muscle for a short while — I still found orgasmic pleasure in the taste of Ranch House’s meat last week. 

A few miles west of Olympia and just off Highway 8, you’ll find something resembling that of two mythological “meat goddesses.”  Co-founders Amy and Melanie have won numerous cook-offs, and hang what seems to be hundreds of winning ribbons on their restaurant walls. Jean Claude Van DAMN their meat is good!  Mmmmmmeat — it’s what’s for Three Drink Minimum.

First Drink: Cowgirl Cosmo (bartender’s choice) — With Ranch House femme owners doing some Christmas shopping for the day, long-time friend Joe took their place, working his magic. He didn’t care much about what kind of mind-numbing three-drink quest I was on, or at least that was what I read from his blank expression. I know that look, and it’s not a fun one. It comes before the “you disgust me/get out of my face” look I typically receive from men. I knew the conversation needed to be quick and simple. I must not have annoyed him too much, seeing as how that was one of the best damn cosmos I’ve ever had.  And as you might assume, I’ve had a lot of cosmos in my life.

Second Drink: Hot Buttered Rum (most popular drink within last hour) — Grossest fucking ing drink EVER. No, wait; make that the second grossest — right after any drink containing the blood of a leprosy-infected corpse. Don’t get me wrong, it was an outstanding recipe, and made with incredible quality; it’s just not my favorite drink. I looked around at my neighboring tables and noticed the look of glee on everyone’s face as they all sipped these damn hot butter drinks. I simply don’t get it. Butter + rum + water + spices = gross.

Third Drink: Fish Tale Organic Ale (my choice) — Since I’ve introduced math equations to this week’s column, I’ve got another one for you:  World’s best BBQ + ice cold friggen’ beer = DeRosa celebrates the fact that she always keeps a clean pair of panties in the back of her car for overly-exciting foodgasm moments like these.

[Ranch House BBQ, 10841 Kennedy Creek Road SW, Olympia, 360.866.8704]