An obvious stop for three delicious drinks will always be The Red Hot, and I avoided visiting owner Chris Trashcan’s cool frothy concoctions for this column longer than I reckoned I would.  In ways, I’ve grown into a better person for withstanding severe cold-beer temptation.  Yet, in other ways, I’ve weakened.  The forearm muscles used to lift a fluid-filled pounder have diminished, and my once massive beer-holding bladder has shrunk into nothing.  Not to mention my declining jaw muscles once used for chewing a BLT hot dog.  One can only deny the love for processed meat shaped in phallic form for so long, and I had just about reached wit’s end before heading down Sixth Avenue and planting my ass atop one of The Red Hot’s comfy barstools.

Drink One: New Belgian Elysian Trip 4 (bartender’s choice) — Owner and frequent barkeep Chris Trashcan knew my tastes too well, and was aiming to please with his first beer selection.  I actually think he enjoys being in a position of beer choosing power.  You can see his chest well up, shoulders go back, and chin tilt north as he squints toward his plentiful tap collection, basking in the small piece of pleasure he gets from knowing his s***.  Well, it’s not really “s***. ” I’m sure you know that.  Although, it is in some way the beginning stages of piss. 

Drink Two: Ninkasi Total Domination IPA (most popular drink within the last hour) — My semi-whorish, beer-guzzlin’ friend Connie (who only blows the roadies), stared in astonishment at the huge chalkboard listing — all five thousand words of it — that made up the 13 beers on tap that evening.  Goddamn those brewmasters like to name their beers with excessive adjectives.  I imagine them as aspiring race horse owners who lost their vision and ultimately ended up living a life of beer-making instead. Now all they have of their past dreams are the long-ass names given to their hop-laden alcoholic beverages. 

And now racing in the 2009 Kentucky Derby: Ninkasi Total Domination IPA the Third, Esquire!

Drink Three: Scrimshaw Pilsner (my choice) — I suppose it was at this point I realized the direct correlation between the amount of words in a beer’s name and its alcohol content.  I was buzzin’ hard by the third drink, hence my weak, only-two-words-in-the-name-pilsner selection.   Don’t you worry, reader. Connie drove me home.  And I only had to stop and piss twice.

[The Red Hot, 2914 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.779.0229]    ., Tacoma, 253.779.0229]