Best Reason To Live In Tacoma

I wanted to get all mushy, and talk about how all the wonderful people make Tacoma the place to be. But then I got to thinking — it’s not the people we have, but the people we don’t have that makes Tacoma great. See, unlike most second-tier cities on the rise, Tacoma has yet to be overrun by bobos (bourgeois bohemians) and corporate drones, with emphasis on the yet. I mean, let’s be honest, Seattle and Olympia are populated by plenty of amazing people. But in Tacoma, you are as likely to encounter a six-and-a-half-foot Lee Perry look-alike in leather pants and a badger skin vest as you are to bump into another goddamned Pink in a suit (Pinks – aka Pinkboys, normals, bleating their way through life). Tacoma’s revitalization has yet to supplant the thousands of freaks, weirdos and general heterogeneity that are allowed in cities that haven’t figured out how much money they can make by being a bunch of squares. — John Herbert

Best Eyesore

Easy — the Port of Tacoma. Yes, the Port is a cornerstone of our local economy and generates thousands of jobs. The Port is probably the only reason that people ejected from our frail education system can get decent paying jobs. And yes, people in Chicago wouldn’t get their Beanie Babies as quickly if the Port wasn’t doing its thing. But it’s ugly as hell. It gets worse as you get closer. Drive north on Taylor Way one afternoon and look around at the decaying, rusted, metal and concrete carcasses of failed industry. Sometimes, the survivors are even more depressing. Or step back and try and enjoy the view of the Thea Foss waterway or Commencement Bay. Then try to ignore the endless plume of steam pouring from Simpson Tacoma’s pulp mill. Or the endless rows of fading blue, brown and red shipping containers. Or the towering, brontosaurus-shaped cranes that continually pork the skyline. It’s just bad Feng Shui, kids. — JH

Best Foulest Stench

It’s a beautiful day in Tacoma and you, along with the rest of the Tacoma population, think it’d be a fine idea to take a stroll down Ruston Way. So you pack up the car, grab the dog, and dust off the sunglasses: you’re going for a walk! You even remember to bring those little bags to pick up the dog poop. (That’s just in case someone witnesses your dog pooping, then you don’t really need to pick it up, right?) So you’ve increased your pace, you’ve increased your breathing, you’re on a roll, you’re about to pass Harbor Lights, and then WHAM! You are hit by the most incredibly fetid smell in the entire universe. You heard it here first; I’m calling it right now: That trashcan on a warm summer day is eventually going to be the death of some poor soul. — Steph DeRosa

Best Use of Taxpayer’s Money

Angelou Economics’ visit to Tacoma could have been another stupid study destined to be ignored and put on a shelf. But when it comes right down to it, the report delivered to local leaders earlier this year might be something more than a symbolic effort, and will likely lead to some concrete development initiatives. The report provides a clear picture of what Tacoma’s downtown might achieve — such as development of creative industry sectors, policy changes to facilitate growth, ways to assist local businesses, and ways to improve downtown-based neighborhoods. And it offers a coherent roadmap, which is surprisingly rare for these kinds of studies. Unlike many cookie-cutter economic development reports, Angelou Economics really tailored the report to our little town, seeking to capitalize on Tacoma’s strengths, rather than artificially implant elements that might make us feel good. Watch out Tacoma, this study might actually produce clean, tangible results. — Simon Moon

Best Tacoma Athletic Team

One of the coolest things about our mid-sized city is that we have our very own minor-league baseball team. The Rainiers are No. 1 because baseball is the best sport of all time, and the Rainiers never disappoint when it comes to quality time at the park with your family or friends. The party decks that are now at Cheney Stadium really can’t be beat, and neither can the Thirsty Thursday $1 draft beers until 8:30 p.m. Even though mascots terrify me because they always seem to stalk me at major sporting events, I’d have to say that Rhubarb is cool, too. — Natasha Gorbachev
[Cheney Stadium, 2502 S. Tyler St., Tacoma, 253.752.7707]

Best Politician

If there was any doubt who Pierce County’s best politician was going into this year’s race for County Executive, that question has been unequivocally answered. Calvin Goings (who luckily for the Weekly Volcano’s Best of Tacoma issue has a Tacoma address, even though his farm is really in the Summit-Waller area of Puyallup) has more than proven his political moving and shaking is as good as it gets. Whether it’s garnering endorsements from far and wide, or turning seemingly every day dealings from his current gig as a Pierce County councilmember into divisive County Exec campaign talking points, Goings has mastered the game. Think about the notches on Goings’ belt over the last six months alone: Call for the head of Chuck Kleeberg who oversees Pierce County’s Planning and Land Services Department to show voters his love of accountability? Check. Enrage fellow County Exec candidate Mike Lonergan by furiously mailing out invitations to an ethics town hall — building powerful name recognition with taxpayer money? Check. Turn the Pierce County budget shortfall and current Exec John Ladenburg’s suggested cuts to solve the problem into a demonstration of his dedication to law enforcement? Check. Use the 4-3 vote against a proclamation declaring gay pride day in Pierce County by the Republican controlled Pierce County Council to paint Shawn Bunney as the gay hating bigot he probably is. Check.
When it comes to politics, Goings is a master. Over the last six months he’s proved it. The Weekly Volcano can, without the slightest afterthought, declare the man Tacoma’s Best Politician. — Matt Driscoll

Best Politician in Need of a Slap Upside the Head

Somewhere in the bowels of City Hall there is a person who authorized the raising of the Murray Morgan Bridge during a protest against the Northwest Detention Center in late April. We may not know who you are, but you do. And you should be ashamed. By raising the bridge, this person forced a group of mostly high school and college kids to abandon a march to the NW Detention Center in protest of alleged human rights abuses occurring there. They had a permit. They stayed on their designated path, for the most part, and were nabbed by police when they changed course because someone chose to block their path. Whoever you are, you have failed, in more ways than I can count, to uphold basic principles of American democracy. Your actions sent a message … “Don’t even try, kids. Tacoma is still run by cowardly, corrupt, small minded people.” — SM

Best Political Pimp

He didn’t get elected, but Marty Campbell does what few people do — he’s an everyday guy who occasionally moves mountains. Most of the time, he just moves — from meeting to meeting, committee to committee, and movement to movement. Campbell is a real man of the people, and a hustler with few equals. He hasn’t slowed down just because Tacoma’s citizens didn’t vote him into office. Campbell is still at it. And now he has a sexy beard.
In the past, he has been the chair, leader or active member of the Downtown Merchants Group, Cross District Business Association, Tacoma Transportation Committee, New Tacoma Neighborhood Council, the committee on housing affordability in Tacoma, Downtown Parking and Transit Committee, the board of the Grand Cinema, Tacoma Arts Community, Tacoma and Tacoma’s Downtown Parking Advisory Committee. That’s not even half. We hope he will add Weekly Volcano Political Pimp of 2008 to his growing list of titles and accomplishments. — JH

Best Dubious Urban Planning

Earlier this year, local power brokers decided that Tacoma should become a magnet and spawning ground for international financial services firms. They dedicated an ungodly amount of money and energy to the plan, and have already begun petitioning for financing tools to help pay for infrastructure improvements. Financial services firms generally pay nice salaries, and would certainly help boost median income levels. People moving here to take jobs, if we can somehow lure companies away from more suitable metropolitan centers such as Seattle, would probably buy some of our ridiculous surplus of overpriced condominiums. But Tacoma may have bitten off more than it can chew with this one. We lack the amenities, population, employment base, education system and glitz that people looking for a mini Wall Street will likely demand. And we wonder… if Russell Investments leaves town, which company is seriously going to want to help fill its dirty shoes? — JH

Best Slow Development Project

We like cars. So does the LeMay family, which has built an amazing empire, filled with weird cars, out of garbage. Well, the profits are from the garbage business. And while it may look like a huge tax shelter for an old garbage lord’s cars, we kind of hope the LeMay Car Museum happens. They keep sending out notices that they have new board members with impressive backgrounds, but that’s about it.

Original plans were to break ground by the end of 2008, and have the thing done and filled with Harold LeMay’s collection by 2011 at the latest. The museum would be filled with what is arguably the greatest private car collection in existence. Projections, if you believe projections, suggest as many as 500,000 people would come to Tacoma each year to visit the place. Fund-raising continues, with the city having donated the nearly $18 million site, and a multi-million capital campaign still underway. Cross your fingers, Tacoma. — SM

Best Made Up Political Party

If you thought current Tacoma City Councilmember Mike Lonergan didn’t have a creative bone in his gray, conservative body — you thought wrong, bubba. Mikey L proved this year he just may be the most creative candidate for County Executive that Pierce County has to choose from. When Lonergan failed to win the nomination of the Republican Party at the Pierce County Convention in April, it didn’t stop him. Though his god-fearing, Harvard taught ways seem perfect for PC’s GOP, Shawn “man boobs” Bunney walked away with the nomination. So Lonergan created his own party. Calling it “Executive Excellence,” Lonergan’s desperate invention instantly became the Best Made Up Political Party in Tacoma when he announced to supporters over breakfast at Oscar’s Restaurant on Hosmer (no joke) his intention to claim victory for the “Executive Excellence” party in November. While Lonergan makes a point — he does have more “executive” experience than any other candidate running for County Executive (so would the devil if he was on the ballot.), you can’t help but feel a little embarrassed for good ol’ Mike. Executive Excellence is creative, yes, but it’s also a tad bit ridiculous. Plus, his campaign signs make Lonergan look like a bloated and decrepit Beaver Clever. Probably not the excellent look Lonergan was hoping for. — MD

Best Area Nonprofit

One of the most connected and forward-thinking powerhouse individuals I’ve had the chance to meet in our community is Gina Breukelman, the development director of the Emergency Food Network. She raises funding and helps to lead this all-important nonprofit organization that provides a reliable food supply so that no person in Pierce County goes hungry. Each month in Pierce County, more than 130,000 people seek emergency food assistance. The Emergency Food Network offers food and other essentials at no cost to more than 70 food banks, hot meal sites and shelters for distribution to low-income families and individuals. In addition to being such a critical service provider in our community, Breukelman and the rest of the EFN crew host stellar fundraising events that make donating cool, including the Cans Film Festival, Empty Bowls and Abundance, EFN’s annual auction and dinner. — NG
[Emergency Food Network, 3318 92nd St. S., Tacoma, 253.584.1040]

Best Tacoma Activist

Ryan Mello is a diplomat in all of the many facets of his professional and personal life, and even better, he’s young and someone who really knows how to get things done in our community. He’s the Pierce County conservation director for the Cascade Land Conservancy. He’s also an elected official as a commissioner for Metro Parks Tacoma. Most recently I learned of his involvement as the co-chair of the City of Tacoma’s Green Ribbon Climate Action Task Force, which is looking at ways to make the entire city of Tacoma on the forefront of environmental sustainability. He also serves as a board member for several community organizations. If you ask me, Ryan Mello is the future of Tacoma, and he’s going to make sure that our city is just the way it should be: GREEN! — NG

Best Bail Bonds

The constant buzz outside the Pierce County Superior Court and Jail is all the proof you need. The bail bonds business in Tacoma is booming. Since last year, when the Weekly Volcano named CJ Johnson Bail Bonds on South 11th the best bail bond in Tacoma, even more bail bonds options have come to town. If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of shopping for a bail bondsman in T-town, at least as a consumer you have options. However, just like last year, CJ Johnson Bail Bonds is as good as it gets. Serving Tacoma for more than 50 years, there’s a lot to be said about a name you trust when it comes to bailing your drunk ass out of jail. CJ Johnson is just such a name. (Editors note: We’re hoping honoring CJ Johnson with the title of best bail bonds in Tacoma for a second straight year will inspire a bail bonds special: Mention the Weekly Volcano and get half off your next bail bond. Whata ya say, CJ?) — Matt Driscoll
[CJ Johnson Bail Bonds, 620 S. 11th St., Tacoma, 253.272.1208]

Best Place To Spot A Huge Ear Gauge

Along with the piping hot coffee and fresh baked goods comes a feeling of comfort and coziness at Shakabrah Java on Sixth Avenue. It’s almost as if a sensation of inner peace wafts over you as you drift off into transient never-never land. Only the coolest of cool people can pull off the look of an ear gauge, and they all seem to be at Shakabrah Java. The bigger, the better I’ve noticed with the whole self-manipulation-gauge phenomenon. But with all this peace, love, understanding, herbal teas and incense carrying on in this place, is it really necessary to judge someone on the size of their gauge? — SD
[Shakabrah Java, 2618 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.572.2787]

Best Place To Work Online

Make sure you have your back to the wall and hack away at those mainframes to your heart’s content. Earphones are a clear signal to the other hipsters in sight that you do not wish to enjoy confederate conversation; however the Black Water Cafe is a lovely spot for picking up a random debate as well. I suggest black coffee “for here,” the refills are free if you are drinking from the house cups, and the coffee is never cold in the pot. I find the cold orange mismatched tiles on the floor help the flow of free association that makes for the best MySpace messages and even better comments on the blogosphere.
More often than not you will encounter a definitive slice of the downtown pie, from lawyers to cab drivers; every one needs good coffee and a jack to the superhighway, and the location makes it central to most of downtown. — Daniel Blue
[Black Water Café, Ninth and Fawcett Avenue, Tacoma, 253.404.0000]

Best Outdoor Meditation Spot

Right inside the gates of Point Defiance Park, near the duck pond/waterfall deal, there is an extremely tall sequoia tree. If you can make the leap from the ground to the lofty branches of this massive champion, cling with all your might and lift your legs up until they are able to wrap around the branch. This affords you some time to work up the strength to twist your body around the branch until you are straddling it like you would ride a dolphin. Once upright there are many other branches that will aid your walking up the sometimes slippery limb to the trunk. That was the hard part, the rest of your accent will be as easy as stairs. Sequoia trees are wonderful to climb, the close-knit and thick branches easily hold a human adult even far out on the limbs, and if you fall, there are hundreds of branches that will break you all the way down. At the climax of this particularly large arbor, one can easily find a neat place to wedge hands free into a lotus position and begin the rhythmic breathing that will save us from our corporate slavery. — DB
[Point Defiance Park, 5400 N. Pearl St., Tacoma]

Best Place To Eavesdrop

I’m going to tell you a secret, but don’t tell anyone I told you, OK? Here goes: Every piece of concrete, important, newsworthy information I get comes from time spent trolling the benches of Satellite Coffee. Every conversation is within earshot, and many conversations take place inside the tiny, warm confines of Tacoma’s coffee haven. I pretend like I’m staring at the beautiful Pat or Travis as they steam milk, but instead I’m honing in with my superpower-like eavesdropping skills. Step into Satellite and take note, just be careful what you say — everyone is listening. — SD
[Satellite Coffee, Division and I Street, above Supernova, Tacoma]

READERS' POLL WINNERS 2008

BEST LOCAL ISSUE: Russell Investment Group situation
BEST LOCAL SUPERHERO: sweet pea
BEST LOCAL PEST: Robert “The Traveller” Hill
BEST BUS ROUTE FOR SIGHTSEEING: Pierce Transit Route No. 11
BEST FUND RAISING EVENT: Zoobilee
BEST CITY FOUNTAIN: Frost Park fountain
TACOMA’S BRIGHTEST MIND: Me (majority said themselves)
TACOMA PERSONALITY YOUââ�¬Ë�TRUST MOST: David Fischer
TACOMA POLITICIAN YOU LIKE BEST: Julie Anderson
BEST SIGN IN TACOMA: Pantages Theater marquee
BEST PUBLIC GARDEN: Point Defiance Park gardens
BEST PUBLIC RESTROOM: Tempest Lounge (what?)
BIGGEST NUISANCE FOR DOWNTOWN DWELLERS: No nightlife
BEST VIEW OF MOUNT RAINIER: Ruston Way
BEST PLACE TO PEOPLE WATCH: Tacoma Mall
BEST PLACE TO HIDE IN TACOMA: Harbor Lights Restaurant
BEST WAY TO IRRITATE A TACOMA: Call them a Seattle-ite
BEST TACOMA BLOG: Exit133 (beat Spew by two votes!)
BEST POST OFFICE: Downtown Tacoma on A Street
BEST ATTORNEY IN TACOMA: Erik Bjornsen
BEST PRESCHOOL IN TACOMA: Saint Patrick School
BEST PLACE TOââ�¬Ë�WATCH THE SUN SET: Titlow Beach
BEST TACOMA JOKE: Tacoma Aroma (still!)