Should we rank animals by intelligence and then form a committee (no vegans allowed) to draw the line at which beasts we spare from the butcher’s block due to their smarts, and which of the dumb f***s we let fend for themselves on the open range?



What criteria would we use?



Not OK to Eat?



Capable to learn sign language and drive silly clown cars?



OK to Eat?



Can lineup with fellow beasts but sleeps in own poop?



Gray Area?



Good at balancing checkbook but robs from children’s charities?



Below the Puget Sound’s waterline, fascinating cephalopods — some of the largest in the world — ply the depths. Ringo Starr gave them voice in a silly song — Sponge Bob associates with a few at Bikini Bottom — and currently, if you know where to order, nothing stops you from chewing on a few yourself.



Octopus, if prepared right, tastes good. You should know, however, they are smarter than the average bear.



Roland Anderson from the Seattle Aquarium, a leading expert on octopi, conducted studies with Dr. Jennifer Mather to conclude octopi play with toys, possess both short- and long-term memory, and display basic use of tools (see www.thecephalopodpage.org/smarts.php).

Knowing that, is it wrong to chop up these Poindexters, dredge their arms in flour, deep-fry them in a wok, and then throw on a little marinara?



Kim Phuong eats with a clear conscience. She lives in Tacoma’s Lincoln District but stays connected to her native Vietnam in part by cooking a batch of octopi when the mood strikes her. A local diver friend recently gave her his day’s catch from Tacoma’s waters, which Phuong cleaned, diced, then stir fried with garlic, onions and ginger. She served the octopus over rice and added chili sauce.



Where some people might screw up their faces and say “eew,” Phuong seemed nonplused about eating the eight-armed creatures. “It’s good,” she says matter-of-factly through an interpreter.



But, before you assume that all Asians dig the octopus, Kevin Le, owner of the popular Vien Dong restaurant at 38th and Yakima in Tacoma, prefers Big Macs.



“I’ve never developed the taste for octopus,” he says, practically screwing up his face and going “eew.”

Octopus I know

You may not see “Octopus-of-the-Day” written on many South Sound menus, but the smart little cookies exist. I recently tried octopus at three area restaurants — Italian, Japanese and Korean — all countries with long traditions for eating cephalopods. I enjoyed them in that order.



The Korean dish at Honey Pig (9104 S. Tacoma Way) rubberized (cooking term?) more than I liked, certainly the Achilles heel of preparing this footless beast (conventional wisdom says to keep cooking time minimal, under five minutes to derive a chewy but not jaw-bending texture; or if time allows, slow cook for an even tenderer texture). The octopus at Honey Pig lacked flavor, likely due to slow cooking too long.



At Sushi Boat in Lacey (8205 Martin Way E.), I enjoyed octopus tako sushi style — sliced thin from a large arm, poached tender, and wrapped securely on a bed of sticky rice with a belt of nori. My favorite, however, arrived as part of a seafood sampler at Acqua Via in Olympia (500 Capital Way S.). Cold, tiny arms sliced like Spaghetti O’s in an olive oil marinade tasted both moist and sweet — a homerun in the chef world.

Don’t try this at home

If lucky, you may find the do-it-yourself octopus for sale frolicking live in a fish tank inside the Lincoln District’s Hong Kong Market (3816 S. Yakima). If not, frozen remains a second option for those without scuba gear and a fishing license. I bought a pack of frozen baby octopus at Arirang Oriental Market (7940 Martin Way E.) in Lacey to give it a shot in my own kitchen. The lady stocking shelves at Arirang asked me accusingly why I wanted octopus, as if I were crazy to assume I could cook the little darlings.



She was right. My car tire tastes tenderer than what I concocted. I also felt momentarily demonic while cutting the babies’ heads off … it made me go “eew.”

Shot across the bow

Preparing this report, I mostly wanted to find a local diver who harvested octopus from our shores. I wished to know the process, and how he or she prepared the delicacy at home. Instead, I received the following terse email from Joshua Hill at Tacoma SCUBA Center.



“In the SCUBA community, harvesting octopus is generally frowned upon.” Despite the Washington State Department of Fisheries and Wildlife rules allowing folks to take two octopi a day, Hill maintains population numbers are low. The relationship divers maintain with the octopus, however, drives his main concerns.



“Local Octopus will remain living in the same place for some time. When divers find octopus they visit the creature time and time again. I guess it is like the relationship people have with the squirrel that lives in the back yard. Harvesting one for dinner seems distasteful.



“If you are going to write a story on octopus,” he continues, “I think I can represent most of the diving community in asking you not to write a story that will cause more people to attempt to harvest Octopus. They do far more for our sport by drawing people to see them alive.”



I got the point.



Call me callous, but I’m basically OK with eating smart creatures. Heck, if I switched to cannibalism, I’d eat Bill Gates.