Well shiver me timbers, it’s that time again.  The scrumptious Johnny Depp can be hankered for in yet another pirate flick —  “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” this weekend.  And in honor of this not-so-momentous occasion, we at the Weekly Volcano have declared it Week o’ the Pirates!  That’s right.  It’s time to embrace all things piratical: gold teeth, wooden legs, eye patches, and enough rum to kill a Clydesdale.  I prefer Sailor Jerry. 

Tacoma is already a cornucopia of trouble makers.  We got a crazy Irishman, our “girl about town” (Natasha), and a lot of grown men who still get stoked about Jell-O shots.  But I couldn’t help but wonder, “What would I do if I were a pirate in Tacoma?

First of all, my name would be Cap’n Bailey Mauvebeard.  My beard would be tinted red from all the wine I spilt on it over the years.  Everyone I met would get punched in the mouth, in hopes of some teeth falling out.  I would want everyone to look like pirates.

Every gangster of the sea needs a trusty bird.  So first I would hit the Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium and thieve myself a green-winged macaw.  And you can’t be a pirate without a hostage, so I would go to Asado and kidnap John Xitco, possibly the most powerful man in Tacoma.  He would be forced to drive a Geo Metro because, of course, I stole his Mercedes.  Then my parrot would sing, “Yo ho yo ho, a pirate’s life for me,” directly in his ear until he signed over the deeds to Asado and his other joint across the street — Masa. 

The Lakewood Playhouse has its black flags raised.  From now through June 17 they’re showing “Pirates of Penzance.”  So, I would go and pretend to be one of the orphaned pirates in the show.  Then I would pillage the girls who play the General’s beautiful daughters, impregnating them all, so the Mauvebeard name would live on forever. The prancing dancing rapscallions in that show are so good they give all pirates a bad name.

I would also break into the Museum of Glass and steal Dale Chihuly’s eye patch.
My stomping grounds would be The Goldfish Tavern and Java Jive, and every Friday night I would go piss on the doorway of The Swiss.  Just to scare all the UW coeds.  Any run-ins with snooty college girls would quickly resemble episodes of CSI, because I would always carry my shank.

Doyle’s Public House newest bartender would agree to give me his boat in exchange for making him first mate.  I would stop by Duke’s Chowderhouse every Sunday night to see Jesse.  He makes a mean Purple Parrot, a tasty libation he concocted himself. 

All the cute ladies in town would have to get stitches on their poop deck, from me trying to grab it with my hook.  My pick up line would be, “Avast me pretty!  Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded!”

[Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium, live animal show, 10:45 and 12:45 weekdays, noon and 3:30 p.m. weekends, $4-$10, 5400 N. Pearl St., Tacoma, 253.591.5337]
[Asado, 2810 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.7770]
[Duke’s Chowderhouse, 3327 Ruston Way, Tacoma, 253.752.5444]
[Lakewood Playhouse, through June 17, 5729 Lakewood Towne Center Blvd., Lakewood, 253.588.0042]