I do believe hell has frozen over. Several signs seem to suggest it.
Consider this. All of these things have recently happened:
- Al Gore won an Oscar.
- There’s a guy from the Smiths playing guitar with Modest Mouse, and the band debuted at number one on the Billboard Top 200 with We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank.
- My grandma knows who Sanjaya is … and my grandma’s dead.
- It was announced that Bob Marley’s Wailers will be playing the Pantages Theatre in Tacoma in June.
- Jazzbones is now bringing in more people with their Jagermeister-fueled rockaroake Monday night than they do with big name blues and jazz acts.
- The Mariners won on opening day, then again the next day.
None of this is particularly breaking news, and on its own doesn’t necessarily indicate my suspicion about hell’s frosty new climate, but I stumbled upon the kicker while surfing the good ol’ Worldwide InterWeb the other day.
This Friday, April 6, Just Dirt will play an all-ages show at Hell’s Kitchen.
Take a moment, and let that one sink in.
In case you’ve never been to the Swiss, or the Firwood, or Q’s Sports Lounge, or the Roadhouse in Enumclaw, Just Dirt is, quite possibly, the most prolific Top 40 cover band in the history of the Northwest. If there’s a song on corporate radio you really dig, or you just never had a chance to see Third Eye Blind in concert, Just Dirt is likely your kind of fun. Hell, you probably don’t need me to tell you that. You’re probably already their friend on MySpace.
Just Dirt plays all the hits.
If you know me at all, you know I hate Top 40 cover bands. Always have. Always will. The only thing worse than Top 40 cover bands is … well … I can’t think of anything at the moment. I’m sure there’s something.
While it’s only an early all-ages show (because kids love Top 40?!), and Helles and Murmur are slated to rock later Friday night, seeing Just Dirt at the Kitchen must surely be a sign that the temperatures in hell have dropped into the teens. Things must be icy and barren down there. Either that, or Just Dirt’s show at the Kitchen is a sign of the apocalypse, and apocalypses sound scary. I’m an optimist. I say hell is frozen.
This being the case, and since it looks like hell won’t be the warm weather sanctuary I hoped it would be for my retirement, I better start having even more fun during my time here on earth. In that vain, here are a few things worth doing this weekend:
O
n the same Friday Just Dirt plays Hell’s Kitchen, Late September Dogs will play the South Sound Garage. Proving yet again that siblings often make fantastic band mates (something Tacoma’s Day brothers have been displaying for some time), Dan and Liz Teisan make up the core of Late September Dogs — or LSD for short.
Nice one, guys. Totally trippy.
Dan is an accomplished axman, and Liz doles out stunning vocals. Together as LSD, the two of them, with help from bassist Brian Timpe, drummer Jeremy Bill, and rhythm guitarist Travis Murphy, achieve a racket that’s comparable to anything you hear on the FM dial — classic rock to current — but soaked in a sex appeal only a fire hot front woman could provide. Indeed, the band’s Web site dubs the band “Pure Rock, Delivered Dead Sexy.”
You like sexy time band? You like LSD.
On Easter Sunday, after they get back from a morning service and put away their khakis and cardigans, Church of Hate will take out the face paint and fake blood for a show at Hell’s Kitchen. Any specks of glitter or glam left on the stage from Just Dirt’s performance on Friday will be completely obliterated come Sunday.
By now, I’ve told you about Church of Hate. Unless you’re new here, you’ve heard of them. As the name implies, they’re a hateful bunch, whose brewing anger seems psychiatrist worthy. Naturally, they tune way, way down. Did you think Church of Hate was a reggae band? A barbershop quartet, maybe?
Church of Hate is a metal band. This should surprise no one.
The band’s antics, however, often seem to surprise people. Obviously doing its best to be the vilest, most disgusting, and offensive band the world has ever known, Church of Hate succeeds in shocking and angering many. How folks don’t see the punch coming is beyond me. But for whatever reason, people seem to be continually horrified by Church of Hate.
Maybe the band is just that good at their shtick.
“Hatred is real and is only beginning to show its ugly mug in today’s reality-TV society. The Church of Hate has been screaming their sermon for nearly a decade. Soon the world will hear it,” the band writes on its Web site, www.churchofhate.com.
On the top of the page, a banner reads “That’s right bitches. We’ve been exposing the hate since 98’.”
Indeed they have, and I can’t think of a better day to see this band than Easter. Of course, if you don’t like the cold and don’t plan on owning a heavy jacket in the afterlife, you might want to give some serious thought to getting right with God. Hell has frozen over. I guarantee it. It’s going to be cold down there, and my guess is seeing Church of Hate on Easter will seal your fate.
I’ve always liked the cold.