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Seven things happening in restaurants today

Restaurant bitchin'

Do we need foam in our food? Photo credit: Beth Emhoff

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Enough with the praise, it's time for some tough love. Today, I feel like bitching and you're the only one who's paying attention to me right now, so you're going to get an earful. Or an eyeful. Whatever.

I could give a shit if they fire me from the Weekly Volcano. Pappi Swarner insists on paying me in expired Groupons anyway so I really have nothing left to lose. Long gone are the days of payment in the form of bottom-shelf fifths of vodka. Budget cuts in the alternative rag industry right now are a real bitch. Just like me.

Here, in no particular order, is a list of gag-worthy occurrences happening in restaurants right now as you read this. Pay attention, spread the word, and let's try to make that "change" Obama was talking about. That's correct. Obama most absolutely was talking about restaurant etiquette, because nothing else could be quite as important to Americans than anything having to do with FOOD.

1.) Imitation crabmeat, the hot dog of sushi ingredients. The cheapest/grossest way a Japanese "chef" here in the states can lower his food costs and expand his menu. Take every other ingredient besides real fish, roll it up with some imitation crabmeat, pour some of your colored mayo sauce on top and give it a name. That right there is the secret to creating about 80 percent of the South Puget Sound's sushi menus.

2.) Foam. Just imagine: You're at a nice restaurant, soft linen napkins, impeccable service, Zac Efron by your side (yum) - you have it all, right? Wrong. Zac insists on ordering the blah blah fancy dish blah blah blah garnished with a clam juice foam. Next, imagine your server walking over to a different table with your plate and a shot glass filled with clam juice. The patron then drinks the clam juice and spits it back out onto your plate forming a pile of regurgitated clam juice bubbles. THAT is what foam tastes like.

3.) Children playing with their handheld devices at full volume. Although this is not any fault of the restaurants, it's still very gag-worthy and indeed warrants a spot on this list. Parents, stop being fucking idiots. Turn that shit down.

4.) Replacing top-of-the-line ingredients with the cheap crap without informing customers. Spoiler Alert: Many of your favorite Tacoma restaurants have recently done this. You might be shocked to learn which ones. I'd love to tell you but I secretly enjoy the expired massage/manicure/hyperbaric chamber Groupons Pappi Swarner gives me and do not want my privileges lost.

5.) Yelp. Some villains from this world of wannabe food critiques are "The Two-Faced Yelper" and his ugly step-sister "The Best Friend Yelper." "The Two-Faced Yelper" is obviously from the Pacific Northwest and carries a strong sense of passive aggression. He/she will rave about the wonderful meal to his/her server, yet bash the experience on Yelp. His ugly step-sister is the BFF of said restaurant owner and posts positive reviews because OMG I LUV HERRR!

6.) Yelp again. What's up with hiding reviews, Yelp? I have testimony from a few restaurant managers that you solicit hiding negative reviews in exchange for ad purchases. You deny and explain that reviews are hidden for different reasons, but, why hide any reviews at all? A review, is a review, is a review. No matter how new the Yelper, his/her opinion is not expendable and should be valid.

7.) Yelp. WHO CARES what people say on Yelp anyway? Go eat where you want to eat and see for yourself. Always listen to me. I know everything.

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