Place: A frozen yogurt shop
Located: City outside of Tacoma
It: sucked
And: That's all I can tell you

There's a certain frozen yogurt shop in a city just outside Tacoma that recently captured my interest. In an attempt to scope the joint out without actually entering the establishment, I sent my team of trusted sugar addicts ... otherwise known as Mr. DeRosa and Mini-DeRosa.

Their report: Horrible.  Don't waste your time.

Mr. DeRosa even told me, "You can't write about it and say it's even a little good because then people will go and you will look bad because you sent them there and it sucked. Besides, they'll be closed within a year anyway."  

I immediately trusted his judgment.

My team, although not as famous as most celebrity food critics, know their sweets. They can eat candy like MF'ers and have a vast array of experience within the world of all things dessert.

Best Snickerdoodle in town? They know the answer.  Best pumpkin bread? Well, that'd be a loaf made by me, of course.  But you can bet they know that, too. Best candy by the pound?  Oh yes, they can tell you where to go. 

If it wasn't for my trusted team, who knows what would've happened to my superb digestive system had I ingested some of the crap these people in a city just outside Tacoma are trying to pass off as frozen yogurt? 

I shiver at the thought.

I can handle hot hole from a fiery batch of sopping wet Buffalo wings, but lactose mishaps are a rectal punishment I choose to avoid entirely.

So, now I'm stuck with not writing about this shitty frozen yogurt place. Hell, I might as well have just written about hospital food. (Which, by the way, is actually very delicious and comforting.)

Look, the point I'm trying to make here is that some "restaurants" suck and there's nothing I can do about it. My conscious won't let me. I want to warn you, but I can't. I'm too nice.

How horrible would it be to hand over a column to Weekly Volcano World Headquarters about a frozen yogurt shop in a city just outside Tacoma that sucked as bad as this one?   What kind of columnist would do that?

A mean one, I tell you.

I'm so glad I'm such a refined specimen of a writer. I think I need a raise.