THING: Delicious handmade caramels

Created by: Clay Richart

He wields: A bad-ass mustachio

Because: He's a bad-ass candy man

Who can: Get away with a mustachio

Whereas: If I didn't pluck my rouge rogue chin hairs

He might: Have some competition

You now think: I'm hot

Because: You love a bearded lady

Let's just focus: On the caramels

Admittedly, it's hard to focus on Clay Richart's caramels when you have such an epic mustachio staring you right in the face - its coarse hairs flirting with Richart's top lip, barely covering what vocals come floating out as words.  The strong curls at the end of each two-inch-long piece act as punctuation for every muttered phrase pertaining to caramel. Mustache. Mustache. Mustache. 

Only a man with culinary candy talent such as Clay Richart could get away with distracting me from such a mustachio. Only a loving wife like Holly Richart would put up with it. 

Right now, Richart produces four caramel variations: sea salt, lavender, coconut and a very complex bacon. A bite of the bacon caramel promises layered tastes of bacon, cumin and chili. All three ingredients are equally represented while also complimenting the caramel's flavor. You have to taste it to believe it.

Bacon aficionados, spice lovers and unique flavor fans - I encourage you to seek out Richart's bacon caramel. Although all variations are delicious, bacon emerged as my favorite caramel. Sea salt came in with a strong second place DeRosa confectionary rating.

Richart's idea to create caramels came one night as he munched on crusty, sugary, hardened pan drippings left over from making candied bacon. "We tried many different bacon variations before discovering the perfect consistency and flavor combination," he informs me. I can't help but stare at his mustache.

Although not legitimately approved for retail sale, I know a person who knows a person who has an "in" with Clay Richart's magical caramel candy land, if by chance anyone is interested in having a caramel orgasm.

As for Clay's magnificent mustachio, Holly Richart tells me she's grown used to it.  And as for my maturity, it's improving.  You'll be happy to know I refrained from any "mustache ride" references while in the company of Clay and Holly Richart.

That's OK. I prefer to mention mustache rides at the end of columns anyway.