Place: Mr. Jalapeño

Serving: Mexican food

Not actually: A dude named Mr. Jalapeño

Much: To my disappointment

Where: Bonney Lake

I hardly: Go to Bonney Lake

Because: It's too damn far away

I get it: If you live in Bonney Lake

But: Why would you live in Bonney Lake?

It's: Too damn far away!

Across the universe and up a hill they call Highway 410, Buckley residents consider Bonney Lake "going into town." The promise of a better annual log show hangs in the air. Stoplight after stoplight illuminates each intersection filled with strip malls and trucks fitted with over-sized wheels.

Yeah, that's right. I'm stereotyping.

The angry readers (you know who you are) will Tweet negatively in response to my harsh description, but those of you who have a sense of humor will simply take another toke and keep reading.

In all seriousness, I'm just teasing you, Bonney Lake. Seriously. Kind of.

What reward awaits you as your gas gauge goes down and your Subaru clambers up the hill to Bonney Lake? The reward of dive bar awesomeness, an all-you-can-eat sushi bar, a custard ice-cream shop and Mr. Jalapeño.

When I heard there was a "Mr. Jalapeño" in Bonney Lake, I knew I had to meet him, no matter how far the drive. Would it be kismet? Would I find my true love? I love jalapeño and I love, love, love hot sauce. Fiery, burning, blister-your-tongue, dab-on-top-of-everything hot sauce. 

Mr. DeRosa buys me Tapatío by the gallon. True story.

Alas, upon finding out that Mr. Jalapeño was not, in fact, a tall pepper dressed in a tux and wielding a blue box from Tiffany's, but rather another Mexican-themed chain restaurant with floral carpeting and daily frozen margarita specials, I was utterly heartbroken.

With a single tear rolling down my cheek I perused the standard menu of tostadas, quesadillas and burritos. Sniff. I ordered the tamales only to learn that they are not made by anyone named Mr. Jalepeño or the like. They're canned, or frozen or ... something. 

I doused my meal with the one saving grace at Mr. Jalepeño's dinner table: El Yucateco Chile Habanero Hot Sauce. 

Yep, there's the handsome spice I was looking for! And guess what? I'm in love.  We're eloping. 

Don't send presents, just send money. Adios.

[Mr. Jalapeno, 21160 Washington 410, Bonney Lake, 253.862.1502]