There is an evil lurking all around us, and you don't even know it. I certainly didn't know because I try my very best to surround myself with the warm light of goodness, grace and whole-wheat flour. This evil wears a clever disguise and blends into society without ever being noticed - until now.

Maybe you've guessed it. Is it the band Sugar Ray? Could it be Glenn Beck? Perhaps it's Snookie from "Jersey Shore"? I guess these people aren't really evil, just annoying and stupid. The REAL evil is in the form of a soft pretzel from Hess Bakery and Deli, but more about that later. ...

I ventured out to the magical city of Lakewood this week, home of the Weekly Volcano World Headquarters (it really is called this, but the Swarners care not to gloat), to get some Oktoberfest inspiration at Hess, because this place isn't just a bakery and deli, it's German grocery paradise.

Hess Bakery and Deli has been a fixture in Lakewood since 1968. Co-owners John and Joni DeGrande have owned it since 2006 and clearly reap the rewards of this thriving business. They speak German, as do most of their employees. You don't even have to leave our fine country in order to get your brat and spaetzle on.

While not fluent in German, or even slightly educated in the language, I could still navigate the grocery items pretty easily. There is wide range of German toiletries, mustards, pickled things, sauces, jams and syrups, even curry ketchup, which is awesome so you should try it.

One item I found that gets a special mention because I've been looking for it quite a while now is this crazy little digestive concoction called Underberg. Taken after a good meal, this special brew of aromatic herbs acts as a relaxant and stimulates digestion. I've been known to toss one of these back after a delicious and filling Belgian beer dinner at Pacific Grill. It works.

Germans love their pastries and sweet things, so there are many brands of chocolate and, of course, Haribo gummy candies. They also like their beer and you will find a huge selection of German beers, even a 5-liter mini keg of Bitburger pilsner for your Oktoberfest party. I'll bring you a slew of bockwurst if you invite me.

While the deli offers a wide variety of German style meats and cheeses, they also make their own potato salad ... and not the gooey mayo kind. German potato is traditionally served warm and uses ingredients like bacon, vinegar and mustard seed to liven things up. My favorite, less fattening! Or at least I like to think so. Oh, and don't forget your pickled or smoked herring.

Hess has a nice range of German wines like Riesling (of course), apple wine (which is an acquired taste) and Gluhwein (hot spiced wine). They also carry many traditional non-alcoholic beverages, too. 

OK, so now let's talk about the evil soft pretzel. As I'm perusing the store, John gives me one to take home. He asks, "Have you ever had one of these?" Which I said, "Yes, but it's been a while. I'll take it home and eat it with some brown mustard." He then looks at me like I have a horn growing out of my head and says, "If it lasts the ride home." Wuh?

Just for the record, I wasn't planning to eat the pretzel because lately I've been trying to avoid foods made with white flour. It's a diet thing. I LOVE breads made with white flour, but my waste line seems to disagree. I graciously accepted the gift and moved on.

Oh ... damn you John. It DIDN'T last the ride home. Safe to say it didn't even last the short drive out of the parking lot. Holy crap these things are good, even without mustard! They are SO good Hess even ships a couple hundred up to Alyeska resort in Alaska for Oktoberfest. You Tacoma folk can also grab one at Doyle's Public House in the Stadium District.

So look no further friends for your Oktoberfest needs. Grab a deli tray, some potato salad, a tasty beverage or two, then strap-on your lederhosen and get ready to party German style.

Hess Bakery & Deli

9 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday-Friday 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday
6108 Mt. Tacoma Dr. SW, Lakewood
253.584.1451