In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you think about something other than how 2011 will almost surely be as mediocre for you as 2010 was, if not worse. ...

This week's Ragnet takes us to Tumwater, a place where arousal isn't always found in the usual avenues.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

The sad, sad truth is simple: The world is full of unstable people. There are people who wear diapers for fun, people who actually enjoy Paula Abdul on TV, people who are just plain fucking nuts.

And there are a lot of them.

Like moths to a flame, plenty of these people seem to end up in Tumwater ... at least until they're arrested and thrown into the Thurston County Jail.

According to published reports, 59-year-old Royce Lyn Baxter, from Long Beach, Ore., but in town on, um, shall we say business, was charged Monday, Dec. 20, with first-degree burglary and stalking - his bail set at $50,000, and an arraignment scheduled for Jan. 4.

Court documents detailed in the Olympian paint a picture of the bizarre circumstances that led to Baxter's downfall. According to reports, Baxter was allegedly interrupted in the course of a burglary at a home on Fairview Road Southwest in Tumwater on Dec. 15 - by none other than the home's owner. After hearing noises coming from the living room, the homeowner investigated only to stumble upon Baxter wiping down the threshold of a door. Like any good homeowner discovering a burglar in the process of breaking into his house, the man jumped into action - going after Baxter and engaging the unwanted guest in some good old-fashioned, old-guy grappling. Baxter was allegedly carrying a white bag, which the homeowner wisely tried to take from him. In an effort to stave off his fury, and - more importantly - keep him from taking his mysterious white bag, Baxter allegedly called out to the homeowner ... by name.

Spooky.

Eventually, Baxter was able to escape, though the fighting continued out onto the front lawn. At this point Baxter allegedly alluded to a weapon he was carrying in an effort to get the homeowner to back off, which was when the homeowner realized he knew the mysterious intruder.

You see, the homeowner's wife and Baxter had worked together, approximately ten years ago, at the always-kinky U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service in South Bend. The three had been friends, but Baxter proved to be a strange fruit - "infatuated" with his wife according to the homeowner - and the relationship was severed ... but not before they'd obtained an anti-harassment order against Baxter, which had since expired.

Though he was able to make a brief getaway, Baxter was pulled over and arrested a short distance from the scene of the crime - his GMC Yukon stopped at 66th Avenue and Black Lake Belmore Road. According to published reports, police found a firearm in the glove compartment, a white bag (matching the homeowner's description) full of women's underwear, a camera with photos on it from inside and outside the burglarized house, four pit bull dogs, and - scariest of all - a set of keys to the residence. - Goldie F. Locks, Mysterious Break-In Crime Correspondent