The word "suicide" is in the news all the time. Nearly every week, it seems, we hear about the military's latest suicide count, or how another Servicemember suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has killed him or herself. In the past few years, Soldiers from Joint Base Lewis-McChord have committed high-profile suicides or murder/suicides, leading Tillicum-based anti-war group Coffee Strong - cited in a recent Los Angeles Times article - to proclaim it a "base on the brink."

But what is the reality for the family of that suicide, of that name behind the news headline? Though to the rest of us the name is but a blurb in the paper, the parents and siblings and friends of a suicide victim - called survivors - must find a way to move on after the press has abated and the next story takes over. How do they cope not only with the tragedy of losing a loved one, but also with the stigma and guilt that suicide can bring?

Despite all of the preventative programs in place to combat suicide - and there are many around the country, including several aimed specifically at Servicemembers - there are an average of about 480 suicide attempts and 85 completed suicides a day in the United States, according to the Suicide Prevention Resource Center.  

We all mourn when someone we love dies, but when that family member or friend dies at his or her own hand, the reactions - and feelings - toward the death may differ. "Survivors often ask ‘why,'" said Rick Bulman, head chaplain for the Pierce County Sheriff's Department. "But we can't understand, because we've never been there."

Joan Tabrum's husband Jerry, a decorated Navy A-1 "Skyraider" pilot who flew dangerous missions in Vietnam and was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross, killed himself at age 66 in September 2001.

The retired Northwest Airlines pilot was diagnosed with depression and PTSD a year prior, but "he always suffered from it," said Tabrum, who lives in Federal Way. "He basically buried it and didn't talk about it."

Joan and other family members, including the couple's three children, didn't know the depth of his pain. "No one ever really knew," she said. "We didn't have a clue."

Suicide is often considered a selfish and self-centered act, "but when they make that choice, they can't see beyond themselves," Bulman said. "They can't see the wake of destruction they'll leave behind them."

In addition to mourning the loss of a loved one, survivors often deal with guilt. "Whenever someone dies, there is survivor's guilt," said Bulman, a former Marine who served in Vietnam. "With suicide, that is multiplied tenfold."

Survivors may see the suicide as their own failure, he added, which compounds the guilt. "They feel a sense of ‘I didn't do enough. I wasn't enough.'" Sometimes that guilt manifests as anger - anger at the person who committed suicide, and anger at themselves for not doing more. "Somebody has to be responsible," Bulman said. "And sometimes it's them."

Tabrum is still angry at her husband for taking his life. "I'm still sad," she said. "And get really mad and think, ‘you SOB, you shouldn't have taken your life. Look what you're missing.'"

Families can also feel a sense of shame when someone in their family commits suicide. "It's an embarrassment to the family, (and) there's a shame factor," Bulman said. "We didn't let that happen in our family," Tabrum said. "We look at it as he was sick, and we couldn't change it," she said, adding, "I'm a strong person and just took care of it. Some people would have crumbled."

The best thing to do is embrace it, Bulman said, and use the experience as a teaching point for other people - and perhaps prevent it for other families.  Tabrum did just that. Not long after her husband's suicide, she attended a Survivors of Suicide (SOS) support group in Auburn, which she ended up facilitating.

Surviving suicide, like surviving any loss, takes time, Bulman said. "You don't get over it, but you do get through it."

Suicide and PTSD

Though Post Traumatic Stress is not the only cause of suicide, it is a common - and, in the JBLM area, well-publicized - cause for those with military experience.

Like many veterans, Jerry Tabrum suffered from PTSD in silence for several years. "The battle that he had (in Vietnam) was like a nightmare for him," said Tabrum, noting that men of her husband's generation were expected to "suck it up."

"You didn't talk about those things," she said. "It was a no-no."

But not talking about it "was the worst thing we did," she said. "It seems like too simple a solution, but the solution is talking about it," said Bulman, an ordained minister who runs the local outpost of Point Man International Ministries, an organization run by veterans for veterans.

Servicemembers' reactive personalities - drilled into them by military training and deeply engrained - can lead to problems with relationships at home and at work and other issues like nightmares, hyper vigilance and sleeplessness - all hallmarks of PTSD.  

Active duty Servicemembers and law enforcement professionals are often afraid that if they ask for help, it will make them appear weak. They also worry that it will go into their permanent record and affect future job prospects. So they, like Jerry Tabrum, suck it up.

They may "go to a non-professional, non-military person and don't get the help they need," Bulman said.

Knowing that it's okay to ask for help - and finding that help through an organization like Point Man, whose facilitators have "been there, done that," can help veterans on the path to healing.  

For more information about Point Man, visit www.pmim.org or call Bulman at (253) 336-6031. For information about SOS visit www.survivorsofsuicide.com or call Tabrum at (253) 838-8947. For information about suicide prevention, visit www.sprc.org, www.save.org, www.afsp.org or www.suicide.org.