My first "gig"!
Current mood: evil
Category: Music
Early 2007
I was stuck living in Portland. I have friends there and it wasn't so bad, its just not home. Tacoma beats Portland like an Ace beats a Jack. Anyways, I figured I'd get out and meet some new people by playing my acoustic guitar. I found this place called "9 Muses" that featured strictly acoustic acts. They had this open mic contest every monday where the top two players get a weekend gig, and the winner gets to play against all the other winners for a thousand bucks. Woo Hoo! I just want to play!
So I went and signed up early and got a good slot. There were about 25 people signed up, each one getting two songs. So I watched the first few to see what was going to happen. They were mostly either sad people or stupid hippies at first. No songs! Then there was a punk rock girl who was pretty good. Her lyrics bit and scratched a little. Also, there was on old man that could really play who did an old timey song about how we ruined the fishing on the Colombia River over the years. Then there was the idiot singing about being a soldier in Iraq and doing herion, who so obviously hadn't lived either experience. At the back of the room was this squinty eyed, bespectacled man scribbling on a note pad. He was all in black with a beret and he looked like the classic Nazi interogator. I figured he was the judge.
So my turn came. First I played "Gotta Be", which was a brand new song then. I knew that my tunes would stand out in that crowd, and they did. I acually got laughs and applause. Then I played Dick Bundy's song "Failure Chronicles", which is really quirky and has great lyrics. More laughs and applause. I figured if I stood out just a little, maybe I had a shot at getting the top two.
After I played, people wanted to come up and talk to me. The Nazi Interogator was indeed the judge. He told me that he thought I was the most genuine person to play so far. I told him thanks and gave him a four song CD. I figured I was a lock to win now if the judge was on my side! The rest of the night went well and I had a couple of drinks.
At the end of the evening what they do is, they let the top two picks from the Judge play one more song each and then the owner of the club would pick the winner. I was standing by the back door having a cigarette when I heard the owner and the Judge arguing.
JUDGE: "Listen, if you're going to hire me to be the Judge, then you have to respect my judgement as to who should be in the finals."
OWNER: "I don't want his kind around here. If I let him play here on a weekend, he'll invite all his punk rock friends and there will be fights, barf, and broken glass everywhere!"
I laughed to myself. The owner had a point. If he gave me a night I would invite a bunch of people who would probably get drunk and start beating on the hippies. Whatever. At least I got to play.
So I was getting ready to leave and the Judge came over.
"Hey man," He said apologetically. "The owner doesn't like you and won't let me have you as a finalist."
"Don't sweat it," I laughed. "My tunes aren't really for his kind."
"Man, this is bullshit. Don't leave yet," he said.
The Judge took off for about five minutes and then came back. He told me that he talked the owner into letting me be a special third finalist. Nice!
So there were three of us that each got one more song, me going last. The other two played and then I had my turn. I was amazed that the owner would talk shit about me and still give me the mic one more time. Idiot!
"Hi, I'm EVIL TEDD," I told them. "Out of all the songs I've heard tonight, not once have I heard the word FUCK. I got two songs I can play for you, one with the word fuck, and one without. Which one you guys wanna hear?"
All the hippies yelled "FUCK." The owner glared at me.
"Well, you know what?" I continued, "Fuck you, I'm gonna play the song with no cuss words!"
So I played "Tacoma Girls", then went straight into "Mad Badger" and actually got both songs in. Thank you goodnight, and I started packing up my shit. The owner got up onstage to announce the winner.
"Thank you all for coming tonight blah blah blah," said the little squirt. "And tonight's winner is.............."
I was still up on the stage, so I threw my hands up in victory!
"Yeah! I won!" I yelled. "This is the first time I've won anything in my whole life!"
"You didn't win," the owner said with a sideways look of distatste. The hippies laughed.
Later, I went up to the asshole and told him, "So, I get a weekend gig?"
He grimaced. "Yeah, I guess. Give me a call and I'll set you up."
I laughed to myself.

EVIL TEDD >:)

and...

my last gig...
Current mood: evil
Category: Music
............
DENISE: LAST MINUTE AT THE JAVA JIVE--THE SPEANS!

And it seems to only be the Speans??!! Ah, but well worth it! Projected backdrop, included~ ....

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EVIL TEDD: too scared to let ME open...or am i not supposed to know i'm black balled? >:)

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DENISE:
I'm not booking the show! I was called for the speans. Contact ...?? ....

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EVIL TEDD: oh please denise...hook me up. you can be my agent and have 50 percent! >:) ....

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DENISE:
I left a message with ...., and told him where to find your site.

There will probably be very few in attendance for this.

I will let you know if he gets back to me and what he says.
>:) ....

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EVIL TEDD: maybe MY huge draw will show up!
woo hoo. thanks denise, you're a champ. >:)....

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DENISE: the staff at the jive are unsure about you. you cannot berate and insult everyone. you have to play songs and tone it down, seriously. if you get you this gig and do the opposite, i will not trust you again. i have to make this really clear, brad, because i'm booking for the speans, and if you drag me down with this i will never forgive you. ....

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EVIL TEDD: NIIICE... i AM blackballed...
i shouldn't play. BETTER PUB.!
by the way, tell the staff that i am a professional, and you know that i am...
anything i promise is a done deal!
thanks, by the way! >:) ....

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DENISE: I know you're a professional, and I understand this your art, and I can differentiate and sympathize, which is why I am willing to speak on your behalf.

If you think you shouldn't play, I appreciate your honesty, and will think of a good way to integrate you into something more suitable.

I really hate the idea of oppressing art--I have a huge moral conflict with that. I'd like to try to figure out how you could be placed appropriately without it backfiring on YOU or anyone else without stifling what it IS you do....because it is totally different.

I stressed to everyone that this is a personea, NOT Brad. That it is much like Andy Kaufman and Lenny Bruce, but darker.

For this one, maybe we should pass.

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EVIL TEDD: hey you know what...when you put it THAT way...its a challenge to my integrity!
let me come play my songs and i'll leave the "act" at home I PROMISE. only the java jive in THIS town could ask that of ME...

let me: and watch what happens...i tooootally respect trevor and have never shit on his parade! i just want a reason to go and have some of my friends there!

everyone who fears me from a distance ends up loving me close up.....

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you and i will NEVER have a

"YOU REALLY FUCKED ME THIS TIME BRAD." MOMENT...

although you are wise to be wary and make sure! shows your paying attention...others too?
he he he...

bradley

>:) ....

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DENISE:
Okay. I've contacted ... again. Songs only, and your body parts--any of them--cannot be rubbed on any equipment. And I have your word, and I know that's solid.

I talked to Trevor and told him what you said, and he's good with you playing.

You can play tonight explicitly under those terms; you are welcomed to play. Load-in time is 8-8:30, you need a mic/stand, and the speans go on around 10.

I trust you on this one. Don't look for loopholes, and have a good show. >:)....

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EVIL TEDD: yes mommy...thank you. 0:)

so guess what i did...

I PLAYED MY SONGS...

even an encore...he he he

>:)
....

and...

music industry professionals!
Current mood: evil
Category: Pets and Animals
............
MY LAST GIG…....

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EVIL TEDD: so...

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JOEY: So what, Thanks for costing me the CLUB SAX, Dude I said I would through you a bone and give you a few gigs and you, Knew it was a mello place, so you go off talking about your balls and lesbians, I had a deal to get paid $100 a week for booking the place, and trust me i needed it.
The guy said he can not chance another act like you in his club, but what ever,
So what can I do for you think i should do for you now.....

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EVIL TEDD: well, if there's nothing you can do for me now, then you could always pay me and that would be that. you only owe me 450.
oh, and i didn't have much choice but to do my schtick over the one mic that was there. i asked you if you wanted me to bring a real pa so i could play and you said don't worry about it. anyways...
what do you wanna do?
>:)....

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JOEY: You are a comedian, you cost me a gig that brings me in $400 a month ,
I booked you in for two gigs at SXSW so we are even,
Here is you time slots,
Saturday March 20th @ Nunos Upstairs (6th & Neeches)Austin TX 1pm -1:30pm
Sunday March 21st @ The Dirty Dog 505 east 6th st, Austin, TX 1pm - 1:30pm

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EVIL TEDD: uh...i was told through a friend because you couldn't speak to my face not to buy the tickets because you aren't booking me. so which is it? shall i call the clubs and confirm the gigs? i'd love to go play wearing your name at this point. you have cost me more than 400 a month plus you never paid shawn for work he actually did for you. we are by no means even! AND I'LL GO PLAY THOSE GIGS! DON'T THINK I WON'T!
so...
>:)

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JOEY: I told dave not to buy a ticket, because I told him, you fucked up a ongoing gig for me,
You agreed that if i gave you the sxsw gigs we would be even, if that is not the case
then , fuck it,
I tried to be cool with you, but you have some bullshit chip on your should towards me
Take the sxsw gigs and call it done, and we can be friends.
I will call take care of Shawn,
I have had the worst year and a half with being able to take care of my two kids,
the 400 a month i was to be making from sax on 6th would have allowed me to afford to be able to live with my kids in a cheap apartment, but due to your stupid bullshit, they still have to live with my girls parents.....

Do not cause me another loss or anymore stress. ....

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EVIL TEDD: 1. "I told dave not to buy a ticket, because I told him, you fucked up a ongoing gig for me." meaning: your backing out on the gigs you set up. deals off!
2. i did agree that the gigs will make us even, but it seems you have cancelled.
3. i do not have some bullshit chip on my shoulder toward you. after two years i had to offer you an easy way out and you DID accept. cool with me is debateable because you never paid or called. i did all the communicating. ...you have been cool. you have also been unresponsive and have ignored both shawn and I.
4. fuck the sxsw gigs. i suppose i fucked you at SAX and that would put it even in your mind. so how bout this: we call it even because we ended up fucking each other!
5. sorry about your situation. i have been patient, and that is why. to be honest...i did not set out to get you fired. and i did tone it down. i wish you had heard what i actually said. but the fact remains that those fucking idiots took offense and fired you. that is my fault and since it was not my plan, I APOLOGIZE. I certainly did not mean to fuck you and i hope you believe that, because it is the truth.
6. friends? hmmm...by what definition? that sax gig is the only thing you have against me. i have a list on you, but i suppose that it would be petty of me to keep it! have we ever been friends? i certainly don't feel like i have been treated by you the way dave and shawn treat me.
7. don't plan another loss for you.
8. how could i possibly cause you stress?
>:)

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ZEBRANA: what the fuck? did he not know what kind of act you put on?

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EVIL TEDD: that's the funny part. i've known him for years and he has born witness to many of my "misdeeds"...
by the way...i have only broken my promise as a professional musician once, when i smashed reno dave's drumset after promising not to 3 years earlier. IF you ever decide to book me, make me promise whatever you want and i'll keep it. sometimes i feel like i'm gg allin but everyone wants to force me to throw rabbit terds!
>:)

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ZEBRANA: hun, I don't tell people how to perform. I book artists, and they do their thing. I'd be the last person to tell anyone how to do their set.
When I set you up for a show, all I ask is you show up at load in, you play your alloted time slot, and you stay until the end of the night to support the other acts.

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EVIL TEDD: I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I LIKED YOU!
>:)

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MATT DRISCOLL: So is SXSW on or off? I got confused.
Most entertaining message I've received all week though... Can't believe you made his kids go live at his girl's house. You're such a dick. How could you do that to him?

....

EVIL TEDD: 1. sxsw: off.
2. i noticed you get confused a lot!
3. i do my best to entertain in every movement i make.
4. i didn't make his kids do anything. you shouldn't believe everything you read. i figured someone like you would know that!
5. yes, i am a dick!
6. maybe someday you'll interview me again when i have a good gig coming up. i'm pretty goddam funny...
7. say hi to flash for me.
8. you're still my favorite journalist after edward r murrow and geraldo...
>:) ....

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MATT DRISCOLL: Thanks. Geraldo does good work.
I would say said interview is long overdue.
All I'm sayin' is he needed that $400 bucks, yo. His girl's parents, for god's sake! His girl's parents... Obviously you're responsible for this low point.
Next time I'm sexting with Flash I'll send your regards.

EVIL TEDD: ok listen. he broke a deal that cost me 333 dollars a month and caused the end of a very old relationship, amongst a cascade of events that stopped me in my tracks.
i wasn't trying to get even for the food he took from my son's mouth. BESIDES! WHO WHINES ABOUT THEIR KIDS IN BUSINESS? ITS UNACCEPTABLE AND BITCHLIKE!
but that's neither here nor there! and i am not responsible for any low point. joey is and always has been a greedy lying fucker. i should know. he's another X business associate of mine.
you talk dirty with flash? i bet you've seen the hair on his back!
>:)....

MATT DRISCOLL: ............

Joey’s a fucking joke. In case my sarcasm isn't coming through, I get it. The idea that the demise of his shitty Sax gig is the reason his life is a mess is laughable. Bitchlike, to say the least.
And Flash and I don't chat, we just take cell photos of our genitals and text them to eachother. It's sweeter that way. Shows we really care about one another.....

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EVIL TEDD: I knew there was a reason I liked you!....

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CHUD:
damn that dude sounds like a spineless tard! well i hope you do got the sxsw shows, im familiar with the dirty dog bar, its a great place i can make it. i havent been to nunos, must be a little down the street. i noticed he only gave you a 30 minute time slot for your set. WTF?
my bands got a big show opening up for sasquatch march 19th at lonestar bar in temple 50 miles north of austin. you should try and make it.

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EVIL TEDD: i'm getting ready to move into that haunted hotel and set up, so i need to focus. once i'm done you guys will want to come play seattle tacoma portland and my place.
joey is a spineless tard. he's just saying i have the shows so he won't have to pay me. ....

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CHUD: too bad youre not doing sxsw damn that sucks.....

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EVIL TEDD: me and my big mouth...
what i really said at the gig was something something and the word fag popped out.
some chick: hey!
me: what, you don't like the word fag?
some chick: its disrespectful.
me: oh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to be disrespectful to you and your faggot friends...
>:) ....

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CHUD: hAHA! man, i have got to shake your hand some day! thats the way it should be. people should be able to say whatever the fuck they want whenever they want, with no consequences or censorship. you are 1 of my heroes brother.. the last of the great ones. i wish i could do it, but my mouth has gotten my ass kicked everytime. ....

EVIL TEDD: i think my hero is that big mouthed cunt from texas natalie maines from the dixie chix. that shit about bush flopped out of her mouth in england and every slack jawed yokel in america burned their dixie chix cds. NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT. also: that's punk rock!

plus: sex pistols rock and roll swindle style...those country loving republicans bought all those songs again for their ipods! of course earls gotta die. but he won't!

>:)