BEHIND BARS: Lactose intoxicated

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March 25, 2011 at 9:15am

By Nikki Talotta Comments

Going "Behind Bars" with Nikki Talotta is always entertaining

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REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

LACTOSE INTOXICATED

Experts and hippies agree: breastfeeding is the best way to give your baby the health and nutrition their growing minds and bodies need.

Working moms agree: pumping and engorgement in the workplace is a huge pain in the ass ... or should I say tits? Especially in the service industry, where there is hardly a moment to relieve your bladder - let alone two swollen melons, every duct bulging with milk.

So, this story takes us to one such night at work ...

The bar was filling quickly, and my breasts were doing the same. As I poured shots of Old Crow and cracked cold tall boys, all I could think about was how and where I could go to release the intense pressure, and avoid the two circles of wetness that were sure to appear through my AC/DC shirt at any minute.

Luckily, my section of the bar had a handful of my husband's friends on board, and I disclosed my dilemma to them between orders.

Since they wanted drinks, and I wanted relief, a suggestion was formulated.

Breast Milk White Russians.

While dignity and shame pulled some weight in the brief argument I had with myself, mischief and desperation ultimately won out.

I snuck into the cooler and massaged a steady stream into four buckets of ice, vodka and Kahlua.

I emerged a happier woman and delivered the drinks. As I watched the brave souls sniff and taste and declare their findings ("Not bad, kind of like rice milk"), I looked forward to hearing my husband's laugh as I told him how I ran into his friends at work.

"BEHIND BARS" LINK HUB

LINK: Thanks for playing!

LINK: After hours trivia

LINK: Bartending abroad

LINK: Oh puck!

LINK: 86'd

LINK: More Aural Adventures

LINK: Big & Rich

LINK: Tales From the Incident Log Book

LINK: The Tip Jar

LINK: Aural Adventures

LINK: Smooth Transitions