In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than come out against the Burmese python.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

People steal. It's just a sad fact of life. From the ritziest of suburbs to the most ghetto of ghettos, no one is safe from the threat of theft.

Malls and department stores are obvious hotbeds for thievery, as they provide criminals with a vast array of merchandise to choose from and a faceless victim to prey on almost guilt-free - a major corporation. Typically, it weighs on a criminal much less to steal from Fred Meyer than it does Fred down the street.

Perhaps this explains some of the rationale behind the alleged escapades of Juan Miguel Flores Meza Wednesday, Jan. 11 at the Tacoma Mall. However, it must also be noted that any of the Robin-Hood points Meza may have earned in the eyes of some by stealing from Macy's were probably nullified when he allegedly assaulted three mall cops in the process.

As Stacey Mulick of The News Tribune reports, prosecutors in Pierce County charged Meza with one count of first-degree robbery Thursday, Jan. 12, a day after a loss prevention officer at the Tacoma Mall Macy's attempted to stop him after the 22-year-old allegedly exited the store with merchandise he failed to pay for. According to Mulick's account, which cited charging documents in the case, the loss prevention officer witnessed Meza enter a dressing room with "several shirts and jeans," then reported hearing "what sounded like plastic breaking inside the room" - which was interpreted to be Meza breaking off the clothing's security tags. Mulick's story says the loss prevention officer went on to watch Meza leave the dressing room with fewer items than he entered with, and that when dressing room was investigated, four empty hangers were discovered. Meza exited the Macy's at roughly 8 p.m. and was quickly approached by the loss prevention officer, who identified himself and asked Meza to reenter the store.

But that didn't happen. Instead, if we're to believe charging documents, Meza chose to grab the loss prevention officer around the neck with both hands and attempt to choke him out before running for a "newer" Ford Mustang in the parking lot. Two additional loss prevention officers also approached Meza during the alleged getaway, only to meet similarly violent confrontations. According to Mulick's report, one of the officers was "knocked to the ground, then kicked in the head," while the other was "punched several times and had a swollen lip." The officer who was kicked in the head - a female - was later taken to the hospital complaining of severe head and neck pain.

Meza got away in the Mustang, but was later apprehended by Pierce County sheriff's deputies when they converged on the trailer where the Mustang was registered. According to reports, Meza attempted to escape out the back when the deputies identified themselves at the door, but was quickly stopped at gunpoint and taken into custody.

We can only assume he was dressed well at the time. - Rinona Wyder, Shoplifting Crime Correspondent