In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do other than worry about how bad Seahawks' rookie tackle James Carpenter is.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

There were tough decisions to make this week at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk. Do we add the tater tots at Tijuana Taco? How many James Carpenter jokes can we make in good form?

Most importantly, do we go with the big fake candy bar story, or keep a lower profile and dig into a recent robbery in South Tacoma?

Spoiler alert: We went with the South Tacoma robbery. But in case you've been living in a cave without Wi-Fi, here are the details of the fake candy bar debacle:

In a story reported most vigilantly by the Seattle Times, the Washington State Patrol was notified at approximately 10 a.m. Wednesday, Aug 24 of a man carrying a large suspicious package on the Narrows Bridge. When troopers responded, however, they quickly realized this was no potential bomb - rather a large (estimated between six and eight foot tall) replica candy bar. Robert "Kal" Kalamakis, a factory rep for World's Finest Chocolates, later emailed Times staff writer Christine Clarridge to explain that he was simply carrying his work-related prop across the bridge because it was a nice day. State Patrol officers were concerned the prop could cause a distraction for drivers crossing the bridge.  Off the record, many were concerned somehow they'd be guilt-tripped into buying World's Famous Chocolate from a co-worker's kid.

It's obviously a funny story, but the great minds here at Ragnet decided to focus in on Tacoma's South End instead.

According to reports on the News Tribune's "Lights & Sirens" blog, on the same day the fake candy bar made headlines, a mail carrier returned to her vehicle at approximately 11 a.m. near the 5400 block of Pacific Avenue only to find the driver's side window broken out and the mail from one of the trays missing. The mail truck had been parked in an alleyway while the driver made deliveries.

Although the mail carrier didn't see anything, the Trib reports that a neighbor who knows the carrier reported seeing a bald white dude in his 30s running from the truck carrying what's described as, "an armful of mail." The alleged mail thief was said to be wearing black shorts and a brown shirt at the time of the crime. According to an unofficial Ragnet investigation, the suspect is also believed to be pitiful.

A short time later the U.S. Postal Inspection Service sent out a letter (somewhat ironically) notifying potentially impacted residents to pay attention to their financial records - as the mail thief will likely be trying to cash checks and steal personal identification information. Impacted residents were also urged to place a security alert on their credit file and contact their financial institutions with any unauthorized transactions. - Smalltime Steve, Mail Theft Crime Correspondent