In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you fill your time with something other than applying to be the new voice of the Aflac duck now that Gilbert Gottfried got the axe.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano crime desk, along with cleaning up after the windstorms, it's our life's work.

This week's Ragnet takes us to Puyallup tribal land, a good place to score cigarettes, Monster Energy Drinks, slutty baristas and (until recently) large quantities of oxycodone.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Ah, the Puyallup Valley - a bountiful land, full of agriculture, opportunity and the occasional duo of criminal entrepreneurs.

According to published reports, a federal jury recently convicted 41-year-old Billy Miranda Flores of Puyallup and 26-year-old Danny Lee of Federal Way of dealing large quantities of oxycodone. The charges faced by the two former business associates range from distribution of oxycodone and possession of methadone with intent to distribute to possession of a firearm in furtherance of a drug trafficking crime. Flores faces the possibility of life in prison for his crimes, while Lee (who avoided the gun charge, it seems) could do as much as 20 years behind bars for his part in the ne'er-do-well endeavor.

Federal agents stated during court proceedings that Flores and Lee operated their massive drug trafficking operation primarily from two area smoke shops - both now closed. It was estimated that the duo moved "hundreds" of pills a day from the Indian Smoke Shop in Milton and the Lil Red Smoke Shop in Tacoma - both of which were on tribal land. No word yet on whether an inclined individual could also acquire salvia or that fake marijuana that's all the rage at either location, but our smoke shop spidey sense bets you could. There was also probably a bikini barista hut within throwing distance. And someone with a GED.

However - quite honestly - with all that oxycodone for sale it's hard to see why anyone would monkey with the fake stuff.

In a news release accompanying the guilty verdict, the U.S. Attorney's Office said the men sold the illegal pills for $35-$70 each, and were known to give discounts for high-volume purchases. It's enough to make you wonder whether there was a punch card available. (Seriously ... was there?)

As damming as all of it sounds, the case wasn't sealed until authorities served a search warrant on the duo in October of '09. During the execution of that warrant federal agents seized more than $50,000 in cash and "hundreds" of pills from the men - making for quite a haul, and kind of a bummer day at the Lil Red, we imagine.

Flores and Lee are both scheduled to be sentenced in May. - Lush Rimbaugh, Oxycodone Related Crime Correspondent