As I write this, I am burning up under my comforter. My entire body aches, and I have a temperature that I believe is approaching 140 degrees.

There’s nothing worse than being bedridden. Unless you count being boat-ridden or, even worse, raft-ridden. Or even just plain ridden.

Also, having a flu headache is like getting hit with a sledgehammer only worse, because it’s the sledgehammer I lent my neighbor four months ago and why didn’t he return it sooner and where is that Weedwhacker I lent you ages ago, asshole? Jeez.

I suppose if I wanted to feel better I could just take some aspirin or ibuprofen, but I don’t believe in drugs. I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy either. But I do believe in Santa Claus because once I woke up and saw him kissing my mom under the mistletoe. She told me not to tell my dad. Maybe because Santa Claus smelled like booze and kind of looked like my dad’s best friend and it would have really freaked my dad out to find out he goes bowling with Santa.

Anyway, I’m sick. I wish I were dead. I suppose I’ll just lie here and wait for death. Tick, tick, tick …

Wait.

I haven’t set a new track record at the Point Defiance Go-Kart Track. I haven’t been lawn bowling at Wright Park. I haven’t even played the old arcade games at the B&I before they break down for the last time. I can’t die. There are a few things in Tacoma I still need to do before I die. Like 85 of them.

I’m going to do everything in Tacoma I’ve always wanted to do before I die. You should do them too. Below is the list. I had a few friends add their two cents, too. Enjoy.

1. You should bike through Point Defiance Park and see a bald eagle nesting as you’ll have a clear view of the natural marvel Mount Rainer from one vantage point and a terrific view of the man-made marvel, the two Narrows bridges.

2. Build a foam sword and attack the crowds during Tall Ships Tacoma.

3. Spider-Man up the side of the old Elks Lodge, jimmy a window and explore her forbidden interior following in the footsteps of audacious urban explorers before you. Spend the night inside.

4. Attend a Rainiers game and spare no expense. Get beer, a hot dog, peanuts — get them all. Watch dads and sons with mitts, old-timers, teenage girls tittering and scurrying about. Get a program. Do the scorecard. Buy a hat. Bundle up and hug someone. But park over by 19th for free.

5. Go to the Java Jive dressed as Neo, drink PBR, and play pool. But do it when it’s just you and a few friends, Junior, and two mentally questionable but enthusiastic “musicians.” These two should go by only their first names — one of them preceded by the title “Rockin’“ or “Crazy.” Get three Red Vines for 25 cents.

7. Sneak into Point Defiance Park and play flashlight tag on a full moon.

8. Walk the catwalk above the Murray Morgan Bridge.

9. Sled down South Seventh Street.

10. Walk the ravine from Magoo’s Annex on 21st to The Spar in Old Town Tacoma.

11. Visit the MSM Deli magic sandwich makers at MSM Deli II before your drunken rampage. MSM is the only corner store of its kind that sells beer singles that you can drink on location.

12. Be a part of the pre-game rules demonstration at a Dockyard Derby Dames bout.

13. Visit the cultural institutions that abound in Tacoma. For a city of this size to have as many world-class museums and performance halls as we do is a rare thing. Take advantage of it. Better yet, join or volunteer. The City of Destiny is ranked in the top 25 Arts Destinations for mid-sized cities for a reason. (American Style magazine, June 2008)

14. Rent the pink gorilla suit from Northwest Costumes and pass out bananas in Wright Park during Sunday afternoon picnics.

15. Make friends with someone who lives at Salmon Beach and join him and his friends on a blisteringly hot August day for herbal jazz cigarettes and food. Secure a pretty girl to push into the water without permission.

16. Once you’ve pushed said pretty girl into the water, leave said Salmon Beach residence and walk to the train tunnel. This should be at dusk. Climb up above the tunnel opening and dangle down calves and feet. Listen for approaching train in the tunnel and then freak out when it emerges. Don’t mind the blast of diesel smoke.

17. Drive around the tideflats and look at all of the industrial crap. Watch a ship unload. Finish this excursion with pull tabs at the Pegasus.

18. Go to Hell’s Kitchen and see Girl Trouble. Tell Bon Von Wheelie she has the best rock name ever.

19. Magically replace all Seattle Symphony Orchestra personnel with players from the Tacoma Youth Symphony and see how many critics hear any difference.

20. Fill all Tacoma potholes with epoxy, hoping somehow that Tim Eyman gets stuck in at least one of them.

21. Spend a long, lazy Saturday afternoon sipping beers with friends on Katie Downs’ deck.

22. Buy a book at King’s Books, go read at Wright Park, and then spend an hour at Stadium Video searching for the perfect movie and pick up dinner at Frisko Freeze on your way home.

23. Visit the Northwest Room — Special Collections at the Main Library to peruse old Tacoma newspapers and history.

24. Hang out in the beer garden at The Swiss during Hotrod-A-Rama in early August.

25. Drop a line off the Old Town Dock. Catch bullheads and let them go. Do this when it’s cold and bring a thermos of Irish coffee. Bring a notebook, too. Write poetry — not trying too hard.

26. Walk the International District on 38th Street. Make sure to check out the weird stuff in the gift shops. Buy something silly to give to a friend. Eat pho at the place on the corner — then Karaoke at the Flying Boot. Sing a Bowie song.

27. Get someone to take you sailing under the Narrow’s Bridge with a barbecue grill for Northwest salmon and veggies along with beverages of choice.

28. Attend one of Rusty George Collective’s Weird Holiday parties.

29. Kayak from Salmon Beach to the Narrows Bridge and back and then take an outdoor bath on the private docks while you watch the sun set.

30. Invite your friends over to your apartment (it helps if you live at the Casablanca and your friends have never been on any sort of tour of the building). Get them a wee bit drunk (not overly intoxicated but just enough to be a smidge more than a buzz), blindfold them, lead them down your back steps to the catacombs, spin them around three to seven times, and then remove the blindfold and make them attempt to find their way back up to your apartment. Trust me.

31. Throw back hot dogs and brew while watching Ninja Warrior on a Monday night at The Red Hot.

32. Hang out at the Urban Art Festival at the end of June. How is Rome remembered? Through its art.

33. Join in on the Monkeyshine run at 4 a.m. on the morning of the Chinese New Year with fellow glass artists and art lovers and distribute hidden treasures in every neighborhood in Tacoma.

34. Eat green curry at Vien Dong on a steamy, summer late morning and wash it down with an iced French coffee.

35. Walk the Rhododendron garden at Point Defiance on a rainy day.

36. Catch a film you’ve never heard of at The Grand Cinema.

37. Pay a visit to the surplus electronics store Electric Dimensions and talk your way into seeing the backroom warehouse filled to the rafters with oscilloscopes and other obsolete technology. Imagine yourself as Howard Carter exploring Tutankhamen’s tomb.

38. Work a shift at the Tacoma Rescue Mission.

39. Eat too much and buy new floral bouquets once a week at the Broadway Farmers Market. This eating too much is also true of any visit to Southern Kitchen, another Tacoma must.

40. Spend a sunny Saturday afternoon at the Mad Hat Tea Co. at the big table pulled outside. People are drawn (literally from nowhere) to sip concoctions and do art.

41. Make love on the Bridge of Glass at 2 a.m. on the night of a full moon.

42. Eat Mr. Lee’s sushi while watching Randy Hansen channel Jimi Hendrix at Jazzbones.

43. Talk to Gypsy Lilly about the state of human affairs.

44. Play a round of golf at Chambers Bay even if you are not a pro or even an amateur; to play one of the world’s finest golf courses is a must.

45. Talk your way aboard the Kalakala for a VIP tour. Try and get into the pilot house.

46. Embarrass yourself publicly at Chopstix. The piano players are full of great ideas to get you started.

47. Vent your grievances before the televised Tacoma City Council the first Tuesday during the month of your choice. No grievance is too small; no grievance is too crazy. Make sure to dress appropriately and don’t skimp on the tinfoil.

48. Walk Titlow Beach at sunset (preferably with a good dog), followed by a beer at the Beach Tavern.

49. Play in the snow at Wright Park during the winter, followed by an Irish coffee at the Hob Nob’s Sidedoor Lounge.

50. Enjoy a three-hour lunch at Harbor Lights, and then you’ll be ready for two hours in the bar.

51. Volunteer to be part of an “art project” with a Dead Artist or Lynn Di Nino.

52. Wolf down a Doyle’s Cheesy British sandwich and follow it up with a nap in Frost Park.

53. Spend a rainy day browsing historic documents at the Karpeles Manuscript Museum.

54. Stalk famous progressive graphic artist Art Chantry when he’s sipping coffee at Tully’s in the Stadium District, which kicked out the Weekly Volcano. Help us get back in, Art!

55. At least once, run into the Sound at top speed, get in as deep as you can, and stay in for as long as you can before running out. This is best if you grew up near the Atlantic Ocean and have assumptions that all large bodies of water are warm in July. It’s also great fun for everyone who watches you do it.

56. Have a beer with Pierce County Deputy Prosecutor Mark Lindquist — although you’ll need to stand on 30 of his King of Methlehem books to chat face to face.

57. Sit in the Museum of Glass’ Hot Shop Amphitheater and watch glass artists thrust burning liquid glass in the Glory Hole. No one should go to his grave without having witnessed such a spectacle at least once.

58. Nibble on Gordon Naccarato’s onion rings and blue cheese tater tots while downing Lovely Larry’s cocktails at the Pacific Grill.

59. Have lunch with Broadway Center’s Executive Director David Fischer and try to leave uninspired — impossible.

60. Eavesdrop on the latest artist collaboration, on both sides of your table, at Black Water Café.

61. Drink all of Engine House No. 9’s beers and have your name added to the Beer Club plaques.

62. Have your Tarot cards read while wearing a fairy costume at Crescent Moon Gifts.

63. Eat warm cookies while artist Teddy Haggarty draws you at the Tempest Lounge.

64. Listen to Deborah Page during Third Thursday Art walk inside the Middle Floor Merchants at Sanford & Son.

65. Attend one of Broadway Center Deputy Director Benjii Bittle’s cocktail parties at his home.

66. Tour the Hong Kong Market then take home a live octopus to cook.

67. Take a tour of historic downtown Tacoma with University of Washington Tacoma adjunct faculty member Michael Sullivan.

68. Have artist R.R. Anderson draw you on a downtown Tacoma sidewalk.

69. Sit cross-legged before Vicci Martinez at a house party and lose yourself in her songs.

70. Ride a steamroller with sweet pea from King’s Books to create a giant letterpress poster during Wayzgoose.

71. Stare at Mount Rainier, downtown Tacoma and the North Tacoma cliffs during a sunset while sipping champagne at the Cliff House.

72. Try Chef William Mueller’s latest experiments and sip a lavender latte at Babblin’ Babs Bistro.

73. Chow down on a giant pile of good grub on a late Sunday morning with the hungover punk band Broken Oars.

74. Sip on El Gaucho’s $100 Bling-Bling martini while draped over its grand piano on a Friday night.

75. Grab a burger and a butterscotch milkshake at the Little Holland Drive In, sit on the sidewalk and watch Fircrest cops nab speeders.

76. Sip a Lavender L’Mour cocktail with the mayor of Hilltop at The Monsoon Room.

77. Show your hometown superiority with a Rocky impression atop the Spanish steps.

78. Participate in the infamous Link-N-Drink pub crawl aboard the Tacoma Link.

79. Make out in the Kissing Lounge at the Hotel Murano.

80. Rent out The Ruby Room and throw a party for no discernible reason other than the fact that you’re simply fabulous.

82. Build a tricked-out bike and ride to the Rosewood Café with artist Ryan Loiselle.

83. Walk around downtown Tacoma on a Sunday at 2 a.m. with urban pioneer Daniel Blue.

84. Instead of just sipping free wine, actually buy a piece of art from someone at Third Thursday Art Walk.

85. Play noon hoops at the downtown Tacoma YMCA and actually pass the ball.

Specials thanks to: R.R. Anderson, Gary Grape, Alyssa Rosso, Harvey Siders, Doug Mackey, Ben Fuller, Kris Blondin, Lisa Fruichantie, Daniel Blue, Bill Timnick, Steve Dunkelberger, Russ Heaton, Alec Clayton, Ken Swarner, Deena Moody, Linda Lapping, Joe Rosati, and Paul Schrag for their two cents.