Kelly hears from her friend's voice that something is wrong.

Jodi is usually irrepressible, funny, and talkative, but today she's unusually quiet and withdrawn.  Earlier, when the two met for coffee, Kelly thought Jodi had a mark on her cheek, but Jodi shrugged off the mark and said it must have happened when she was taking out the trash or something.

Now on the phone, Kelly's increasingly unsettled by her friend's tone.  Then she hears the angry, low voice of her best friend's husband, and her friend says, "gotta go.  Talk to you tomorrow."

Kelly talks her husband into driving over to Jodi's house; he knows Jodi's husband's temper from work in the unit to which they both are assigned and enlists a friend's aid.

The three go to the house to hear shouting followed by screaming and then a silence.

"I was terrified Jodi was dead or something; it was so scary," Kelly recounted later.

With the two men, Kelly approaches her good friend's front door and calls her name and in response receives a swearing epithet. The men at her side are ready as the door opens. Quietly, they request that he let them in.

Realizing he is outnumbered, Kelly's husband lets in the trio, who see Jodi crumpled on the floor, not severely injured, but crying steadily with a bleeding, swollen lip.

Kelly talks about how in the next few days she helped her friend find resources to call for help.  Kelly was reasonably certain that Jodi was on her way to being free of the man who apparently had not hit her for the first time that night, despite Jodi's claims that, "really, Ryan's a great guy; he's just not been himself lately."

"Then," Kelly recalled, "Ryan bought her flowers, the same color of roses in her wedding bouquet and wrote a pretty note, and she was back at home right then and there."

Kelly's eyes cloud with sorrow, and she says quietly, "I haven't talked to her since.  I've seen her around, and she doesn't smile much."

Kelly's lips pull up into a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, and she says, with a cynical laugh, "I just hate that I tried to help, dragged my husband into it, and now I feel like an idiot because Jodi didn't even report anything."

Still, Kelly asserts that if Jodi was to call on her again, she would drop everything to help. "But I doubt she'll ever report anything or leave him," Kelly shrugged.

But Jodi's not alone.  According to a report by Linda D. Kozaryn for the Armed Forces Press Service, "Victims often hesitate to report abuse because they fear the impact it will have on their spouse's career. A recent DoD study found that service members reported for abuse are 23 percent more likely to be separated from the service than non-abusers and somewhat more likely to have other than honorable discharges. The majority who remain in the military are more likely to be promoted more slowly than non-abusers.

"Criminal conviction of even a misdemeanor involving domestic violence can end a service member's military career. The 1996 Lautenberg Amendment to the Gun Control Act of 1968 makes it unlawful for anyone who has been convicted of a misdemeanor of domestic violence to possess firearms. The law applies to law enforcement officers and military personnel."

What this means to Jodi and spouses like her is that as their husband's military careers are threatened, potential alimony or child support payments also may be at risk.

But Kozaryn reported some good news, too: "DoD officials say most of the spouse abuse in the military is reported early, before it becomes chronic and severe, and the chances of successful treatment are good. As a result, abusers don't necessarily have their careers impaired. In fact, some abusers self-report to get help."

Still, other women in relationships like Jodi's may be afraid to report their abusers for fear of their lives.

One woman, who chose to take her children and flee across the country without her husband's knowledge when his unstable moods threatened to escalate to physical violence, said, "I was afraid he was going to kill me and then the kids.  I would rather work two jobs and live in secrecy than to risk seeing anything happen to my babies."

When asked why she didn't seek help at the Victim Advocacy Program on Fort Lewis or the Community Advocacy program through the City of Tacoma, the woman responded quietly, "I didn't have the luxury of time to ask for help.  I needed to make my plans for a new life."

In the city of Tacoma there are options.  The city of Tacoma Web site lists some basic information about domestic violence and follows with a list of options that include emergency shelter resources, legal resources, housing resources, monetary resources, food resources, help lines and hotlines (see below) and support groups and advocacy services. Lastly, the site offers ways to make a plan, carry out a plan, and succeed. (The full list can be found on the Web at http://www.cityoftacoma.org/Page.aspx?hid=1293.)

And the Web site also offers ideas of how to help for friends like Kelly.

Some key points include being a good, nonjudgmental listener, being careful and aware of what the abuser may be doing (for example, monitoring calls or isolating the victim) and, most importantly, becoming informed about domestic violence.  One fact the site points out is that the typical domestic violence victim returns to his or her abuser an average of seven times before leaving permanently. As a friend to a victim, unconditional support and friendship followed up with an assurance that you will be there no matter what can be invaluable to the victim.

Help Resources:

Victim Advocacy Program (VAP): Building 2013, 3rd floor, room 334 and 335. After hour reports will be made to the emergency hotline, 968-1390 located at Madigan Army Medical Center. For additional information, contact 966-0363/966-1088/967-7906.

Civilian Hotlines (24-hour):

Statewide - (800) 562-6025; nationwide - (800) 799-7233; Crystal Judson Family Justice Center - Tacoma - (253) 798-4166; YWCA Women's Shelter - (253) 383-2593