One parent has been deployed to Afghanistan for a year, during which time the other parent has to play the role of mother and father.   Though it’s tough they make it work.

But then halfway through the one year deployment, the parent returns home for two weeks, and finds a house full of change.  How much parenting should the redeploying parent do?  Should they leave the parenting to the full-time parent, or do they pick up where they left off? 

“This is a common scenario in military and non-military families, whether it is a parent deploying, or a parent who works long hours every day,” Marsha Kline Pruett, who wrote Partnership Parenting, How Men and Women Parent Differently-Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage, with her husband Kyle Pruett.  “There is a primary parent, and a parent who moves in and out of the picture.  Regardless of the situation the parents are partners, and they need to work together as partners.”

For starters, the parent who is with the children year round needs to help facilitate the other parent’s reentry into the family, she said. 

“When dad comes home for two weeks, help him catch up on what’s going on,” Pruett, a chaired professor at the Smith College School for Social Work said. “Don’t assume that because one parent has been there all the time, that this parent has more knowledge about parenting.  Each of the parents has a responsibility to remind the children that it’s a partnership.”

Also the redeploying parent should not undermine the authority and rhythm of the family, and they shouldn’t step up as though they are staying, she said.  The redeploying parent needs to take time to listen and hear the children’s stories, meet their teacher, pick them up from school, and do fun things with them, she said.

“Under no circumstances should the parent come home and become the disciplinarian,” she said. “Throw a baseball, or help with homework.  Read your child a bedtime story.  Do things as a family.”

It’s also imperative that the redeploying parent isn’t made to feel like a visitor, she said.  Often a parent comes home and is proud of what his or her spouse has done while they have been gone, but they feel like a stranger, in a strange land, in their own home, she said.  

“The parent who is staying with the children needs to get the message to dad that things have changed, but then find good ways for dad to fit in,” she said.  “Sometimes a parent who has to be gone feels desperate, and maybe even guilty that they have been gone, so they want to make up for lost time.” 

Finally, keep the connection even while the parent is deployed, she said.  She offered these suggestions:

• Write letters and draw pictures to send
• Make photo albums and label and date the photographs
• Make videos and email frequently 
• Have your children keep a journal that the parent can read to catch up on what happened during their absence