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Pearl's new gig, Artest's dancing shoes and Tebow's latest honor

An irreverent weekly look at the wild world of sports

Bruce Pearl wants to sell you motherfuckin' wholesale groceries.

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STRIKE ONE

After a one-week dalliance with the world of fantasy football advice (like a red-eyed, slack-jawed Brandon Funston ... only less fat in the face) I'm back to the normal routine this week - three Strikes and one Dumb Jock.

It's my bread and butter. My Hall and Oates. My kibbles and bits.

Since the entire sports landscape feels dominated by the coming NFL season at the moment - and rightfully so - what better place to start this week than the exciting world of wholesale grocery marketing?

Say what?

Back story: You may remember former University of Tennessee men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl ... either for the scandals or the ridiculous bright orange sports jackets. Perhaps you once let your blue-chip high school basketball-playing son attend a cookout at Pearl's house? Perhaps he asked you never to speak of it? ... Who knows? In late August the NCAA's Committee on Infractions handed down a three-year show-cause penalty to Pearl for his various unethical transgressions (and blatant lies) while at Tennessee. You may remember that as well.

Previously, things had been looking up for the disgraced former coach. The Texas Legends, the Dallas Mavericks' D-League franchise, extended a job offer to Pearl earlier this month. According to reports by Andy Katz on ESPN.com, the offer would have made Pearl the highest paid coach in the D-League - a package worth over $500,000.

On Tuesday, though, Pearl announced through a statement that he's decided to turn down the Legends, and is instead joining a Knoxville-based wholesale grocery outfit, H.T. Hackney Co., as vice president of marketing. Pearl's statement indicates he made the decision to avoid D-League travel and to stay close to his family.

Chances are the new job pays pretty well too. Despite his obvious scuzziness, Pearl is still something of a hero in Tennessee. That's how Tennessee rolls.

Did I mention H.T. Hackney's Chairman and CEO is Bill Sansom, who formerly sat on UT's board of trustees?

It's good to have friends.

STRIKE TWO

It's been almost seven years since Ron Artest - NBA player, bad rapper, all-around nut job - became reviled. That's what happens when you storm into the stands and start a player-on-fan brawl. It's just bad PR.

Ancient history.

It was announced this week that Artest, along with U.S. women's national soccer team goalkeeper Hope Solo, will be part of the 13th season of Dancing with the Stars, scheduled to premiere Sept. 19 on ABC. Other members of the kinda-famous cast include Robert Kardashian, Chaz Bono, Ricki Lake, Chynna Phillips (really?) and Jay Cutler's ex-fiancé, Kristin Cavallari, who hopefully realizes by now she lucked out of a whole lifetime of pouting and facial fat when J-C dumped her. (Two fat-face jokes in one column?)

STRIKE THREE

Finally, in what hast to be one of history's worst-ever promotions intended to sell tickets to a hapless fanbase, the Miami Dolphins announced this week plans to pay tribute to the Florida Gators' 2008 national championship team during their Oct. 23 home game against the Denver Broncos. Former Gators' stars like Tim Tebow and current Dolphins' center Mike Pouncey will obviously be in attendance for the honor. In all, 20 former Gators are expected to attend according to reports by The Associated Press. A column by The Denver Post's Woody Paige indicates former coach Urban Meyer is being paid to participate.

Two problems. One: The Dolphins are FROM MIAMI, and share a home field with the Miami Hurricanes. Last time I checked, Hurricane fans don't really care for the Gators. Not surprisingly, the Dolphins' desperate ticket-selling plan has caused a bit of an uproar among the predominantly ‘Canes-supporting general public.

Two: Not only is Tim Tebow a third-string NFL quarterback - he's the third-string quarterback for the OPPOSING team.  How stupid does it get? One has to wonder what kind of ceremony the Dolphins will devise to pay tribute - in large part - to the Broncos third-string quarterback?

In a related note, Tim Tebow's jersey has slipped to 10th on the NFL's list of best-sellers.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

Hey! Who says I have to give the award to a living, breathing human being? Why can't I give it to a new NFL guideline that will no doubt be the cause of many disgusted headshakes this fall?

The Dumb Jock Rule of the Week goes to the NFL's new kickoff procedure, which lines kickers up at the 35-yard line instead of the 30. Throughout three weeks of the pre-season, the rule - created in the name of player safety - has succeeded in substantially increasing touchbacks (to the point that kickoffs have become almost entirely pointless), while simultaneously sucking all the excitement and intrigue out of what was once a very important part of the game.

It's #dumb. There's no way around it.

And, as ESPN's Rick Reilly so insightfully points out (first time in history those words have ever been written), it probably won't even work. Once the games start to matter, kickoffs have the potential to be more dangerous than ever.

"The stupid new NFL kickoff rule will cause more injuries, not less. As teams get behind in the fourth quarter, they're going to need a fumble, not another touchback," Reilly writes in a recent online column for ESPN - foreseeing trapped returners under towering kicks getting pummeled by oncoming gunners.

I know. I know ... Reilly's sort of an idiot. That's a big part of the point. If even Rick Reilly can see how dumb and ineffective this rule is - and the man brings a new definition to dumb and ineffective - it really makes you wonder what the Rules Committee was thinking.

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