STRIKE ONE

If there's one thing an NFL off-season plotline needs, as we've learned from a certain penis-texting Wranglers model, it's the unique intrigue of an aging former great coming out of retirement. Seriously, what would we all do without it?

Luckily, we won't have to find out until next year at the earliest, as former New York Giants running back-turned-sub-par TV personality Tiki Barber - who will turn 36 in April - announced this week his intentions to revive his NFL career. The toothy locker room cancer last suited up for the G-Men during the 2006 season, concluding (up until that point) a 10-year NFL career. After his initial retirement, Barber landed with NBC's Sunday Night Football as well as The Today Show, although the network eventually decided not to renew his contract (because he was horrible). Barber's most recent work has been doing video for Yahoo! Sports ... basically the equivalent of Dirk Diggler turning to prostitution toward the end of Boogie Nights.

Oh, and there was that whole "left his wife of 11 years while she was eight months pregnant with twins to boink a 23-year-old intern" thing. Feel free to Google it.

Basically, Barber has seen better days.

According to reports from ESPN, Barber's agent, Mark Lepselter, has confirmed Barber's intentions to un-retire, and even hinted there are interested teams out there.

Barber's agent is lying about the interested teams, of course, but still ... should be interesting to see how this train wreck turns out.

STRIKE TWO

As was mentioned in last week's column, I don't pretend to understand the strong worldwide appeal of soccer ... or futbol, rather. Whatever you want to call it. I don't get it either way.

What I do comprehend is just how goddamn nuts people go for the sport. I don't understand WHY - but that's not really important. I do understand soccer aficionados across the globe are some of the most passionate (read: frighteningly unstable) fans you'll meet anywhere.

Take, for instance, a recent three-year jail sentence handed down in Italy to 29-year-old Ivan Bogdanov, a Serbian soccer fan convicted of instigating a riot at a European Championship qualifier last October.

What could Bogdanov possibly have done to warrant such a harsh punishment, you wonder? You've sat around some fairly intoxicated, boorish idiots at Seahawks games, and you're pretty sure you've seen the worst of the worst ...

Not even close.

The Associated Press reports Bogdanov, sporting a black mask, "climbed a barrier separating fans from the field, used a wire cutter to slice apart a mesh fence and launched fireworks onto the field as he encouraged other Serbian fans to do the same." The match, in the seventh minute and tied 0-0 (there's an exciting soccer score for you), was stopped because of the disturbance.

STRIKE THREE

LA Lakers coach Phil Jackson is known for lots of things. His playing career with the Knicks in the '70s. His time with the Chicago Bulls in the '90s winning championships with Michael Jordan. His more recent success with the Lakers winning championships with Kobe Bryant. And, of course, his reverence for Eastern philosophy. They don't call Jackson the "Zen Master" for nothing.

One thing Jackson will apparently never be known for - at least if it's up to him: crying in the locker room.

As you've hopefully heard by now, Miami Heat coach Erick Spoelstra revealed this week that his team - at press time mired in a five-game losing streak and led by superstars Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh - was literally crying in the locker room following Sunday's loss to the Bulls. Like, actually crying. Not just sniveling. Not just "getting something in its eye." Like, actually, physically, no-doubt-about-it crying.

Jackson was asked about the Heat's tears Tuesday during a pre-game media session. After initially trying to deflect the inquiries, according to ESPN, the Zen Master couldn't hold back.

"This is the NBA: No Boys Allowed. Big boys don't cry," Jackson was quoted as saying. "But, if you're going to do it, do it in the toilet where no one can see you."

Interestingly enough, Confucius once said the same thing.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

Remember, oh, a few years back when Michael Vick was still a villain for bankrolling an operation designed to brutally fight dogs to the death?

I know it seems like ages ago, but think back. ...

Of course you remember. The NFL may want to erase such recollections, as an image-rehabilitated Michael Vick is a much more profitable one for the league, but the reality is it wasn't that long ago that Vick was in federal prison for his egregious crimes. Animal lovers came out in force, and Vick's reputation instantly plummeted.

Apparently, Houston Texans cornerback Kareem Jackson remembers none of this.

According to multiple reports from Deadspin to CBS Houston, Jackson was so entertained during a recent vacation to the Dominican that he couldn't help but Tweet about his experience to followers back home. He even posted photos of the engaging subject to his attention.

The trouble: Jackson was at a cockfight. Tweeting photos from a cockfight in the Dominican isn't exactly the thing PR dreams are made of - even if the gory "sport" is legal in the country.

For this, Jackson unanimously wins our Dumb Jock of the Week award.