STRIKE ONE

Who said the post-football void would be desperate and lonely? Who said there'd be no action? Who said we'd starve from boredom?

This week Cup Check had plenty to choose from, from doughboy cheerleaders to dead owls.

But, to mix things up, let's start things off the same place as everyone else - with the train wreck that is Charlie Sheen.

Honestly, I've got no new opinions to add to the Charlie Sheen fiasco ... a spectacle that doesn't even need an introduction at this point. The man (who's only real redeeming quality may be his role in the movie Major League) has occupied headlines for an entire week now (pretty sure there's some juicy action in Libya, too) - all because of a string of bizarre interviews he recently did. Sheen's hit TV show, Two And a Half Men, is currently on hiatus because of the "actor's" demands for a raise and complete inability to NOT get high and smack hookers.

Is Sheen insane? Is it a stunt? Is he loaded right now? How much fun must he be having? Why do I care so much, considering I'm 80 pounds overweight, have been unemployed for months, can't get the Doritos cheese off my nicest pair of elastic waste pants, and - most importantly - don't watch Two And A Half Men?

These are the questions everyone's been asking. I have no answers for you.

However, it may ease your mind to know you're not alone - everyone is infatuated. Even the Chicago Cubs.

According to a brief story on ESPNChicago.com, which was actually citing an earlier interview Cubs outfielder Reed Johnson did with "The Waddle & Silvy Show" on ESPN radio, the Cubs are just as taken with the Sheen debacle as you or me.

"The clubhouse stops and turns up the TV when he's speaking," Johnson is quoted as saying. "Everybody enjoys watching everybody else go crazy, I guess, for some reason."

So true.

STRIKE TWO

OK, it's dead owl time.

Look, I don't pretend to understand the wild aappeal of soccer. I can see why people like it. I can't necessarily see why people love it.

What I do understand is you shouldn't kick an owl. It's just not right. Remember the Tootsie Pop Owl? Would you kick him? Of course not.

I know you especially shouldn't kick an owl if you're a professional soccer player in South America in the middle of a match ... you know, all good at kicking stuff and wearing cleats.

And you especially, especially should never kick an owl if said large, majestic, happened-to-land-near-the-field, not-hurting-anyone bird is also the beloved mascot of the home team you are in the middle of playing.

In a day owl lovers remember in horror (Sunday, Feb. 27, if anyone wants to start planning next year's local remembrance ceremony now) Luis Moreno, a defender for Panama's Deporivo Pereira, which was facing off against home team Atletico Junior in Barranquilla, Colombia - booted an owl that had landed on the field during a match. According to NBC Sports, the owl had been hit by a soccer ball and injured its wing, which caused it to land. As the referee stopped the game for the bird to be removed, Moreno decided to kick the bird instead. According to accounts from Colombia, Moreno left the field to chants of, "Murderer! Murderer! Murderer!"

Which was kind of like foreshadowing, because on Tuesday the bird died from its injuries.

Naturally, Moreno has since apologized - saying he was trying to "see if the owl could fly."

Guess it couldn't.

STRIKE THREE

As much as I sometimes question the passion of foreign soccer fans, they often seem like the sanest of the bunch when compared to homegrown American fanatics - especially those in love with NASCAR - that exciting sport where white guys in cars decorated with M&Ms drive around in a circle for four hours while you eat Little Smokies and drink Mountain Dew.

Apparently, all that fun is too much for some folks - especially folks from West Penn Township in Pennsylvania - to risk missing.

According to local authorities, that was exactly the "reasoning" behind a recent one-car accident in West Penn Township that took out a storage room of a local EZ Market.

According to a story by Katie Shank of WFMZ TV 69 (no joke), local police say a woman driving a SUV (naturally, sussed out in later Internet reports as a Chevy S-To Blazer) accidentally hit the gas instead of the break and plowed into the storefront Sunday, Feb. 27.

Her excuse - she was in a hurry to get home and watch NASCAR.

Naturally.

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

It's not often "Dumb Jock of the Week" gets to bestow upon male cheerleaders the honor they so deserve, but luckily this week the University of Louisville's doughboy of a pyramid bottom - Jordan Alcazar - made it easy.

If you have yet to see Alcazar earn a technical foul that nearly cost his team the game - by jumping onto the court and throwing the ball into the air in celebration like the robust, no doubt secretly self-loathing male cheerleader he is ... with 0.5 seconds still on the clock - just YouTube it now. It's so worth it.

After the game, Louisville head coach Rick Pitino joked, "all good things come to an end and the male cheerleader has come to an end."

If only it was that easy.