STRIKE ONE

Got a call from a Cup Check fan on the office phone this week (translation: Operations Manager Bill White hollered at me from down the hall) about the need for something in this week's column about the Miami Heat. The team was struggling and floundering, and Lakers coach Phil Jackson had apparently fanned the flames of a player revolt against Heat coach Erik Spoelstra by saying the team needed to start winning or the Heat's threesome of spoiled-ass mega-stars, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, along with the rest of the squad, would soon turn against the embattled coach in favor of team president Pat Riley ... or something. Anyway, I checked it out - because, let's be honest, like most people I don't watch the NBA, and I certainly don't watch the NBA this early in the season - and it turns out Operations Manager White was right. It's a total clusterfuck down there! Too many shoe deals in one building. ...

On a related note, the Heat are preparing for a road trip through Cleveland to face James' old team, the Cavs, this week. As part of their preparation, the team will not be announcing the squad's travel plans (including hotel reservations and practicing facilities) as it usually does to a select group of media members that cover the team. All of this, of course, because the Heat are evil and Cleveland fans are completely unpredictable.

STRIKE TWO

If you're husband or boyfriend hasn't made direct eye contact with you or listened to a single word you've said over the last week and a half, it's probably for one simple reason: It's almost fantasy football playoff time. Dreams, reputations, intricate "fantasies" revolving around the meaningless stats of second-string wide receivers and, of course, small to large sums of money are all on the line. Right now, fantasy owners on the edge of the playoffs are desperate for a win, and those who've already floundered this season are relishing the chance to take others down with them. Those who've locked up playoff spots are planning for NFL Weeks 15 and 16, traditionally the playoff weeks in most fantasy football leagues. All I'm saying is: If that special someone in your life is a little more distant lately, don't just jump to the conclusion they're back on drugs - maybe it's fantasy football stress. It happens to the best of us. Not all of us were lucky enough to pick up Peyton Hillis off the waiver wire. Hmmm. Peyton Hillis. That's someone our Strike Three victim knows a little something about. ...

STRIKE THREE

Notes from a Broncos fan: Oh my fucking god, Josh McDaniels! You complete goddamn jackass! The list of reasons you should be fired is so long. So, so long. Prior to last week, your only accomplishments could be listed as follows: trading Jay Cutler for Kyle Orton and a bunch of draft picks you wasted, ruining a once proud franchise, looking stupid in a hoodie, trading Brandon Marshall, drafting Tim Tebow in the first round, trading a first round draft pick to Seattle for a cornerback you cut the following year, trading Peyton Hillis FOR BRADY QUINN and being a douchebag from New England. NOW! Now, what did you go and do? You added cheating to the list? Nice. But not even EFFECTIVE cheating? Rather, pathetic cheating against the godforsaken 49ers - videotaping six minutes of a silly walkthrough - in a game you ended up losing anyway? Don't worry. I totally believe you didn't look at the tape ... asshat! I'm embarrassed for you.

On a related note, Denver Post Columnist Woody Page suggested this week John Elway be brought back into the Broncos organization as an executive. Deadspin.com reports this week that the Chicago Bulls' Joakim Noah shared a hotel steam room recently with the Hall of Fame quarterback, describing it to reporters as "kind of weird," and "kind of awkward."

DUMB JOCK OF THE WEEK

It'd be easy to choose Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan and Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson for their fisticuffs on the field last week, but perhaps even easier to give it to Finnegan for being a punk as usual and getting his ass handed to him ... let's go with number two. Yeah, that sounds right.

LOCAL BLACKOUT

The Seahawks got destroyed by the Kansas City Chiefs last week, at home - by a score of 42-24. It was pretty bad - some would say a low point in the season. Luckily, Pete Carroll is a master motivator. Luckier still, the man looks good in khakis. Best of all, the Hawks play in the NFC West, meaning all they have to do is suck the least out of a foursome of terrible football teams to host a playoff game come January.