Favre's penis in Goodell's hands, more from the Nard Man, Tucker Carlson ...

An irreverent weekly look at the wild world of sports

By Matt Driscoll on December 30, 2010

First of all, Happy New Year! 2010 has been a banner year for sports - and more specifically highly-paid athletes doing really dumb things - so the future of this column seems safe. Call it job security. On and off-field idiocy is trending upward, and that predicts nothing but a fruitful '11 for "Cup Check."

There is one cloud hanging over the operation, however, a big, 41-year-old, Crock-wearing, penis-texting, NFL icon that (god willing!) will finally be calling it quits in 2011.

Can "Cup Check" survive without Brett Favre? Hell, can Ed Werder and at least 30-percent of ESPN's paid staff survive without Brett Favre?

It's a question we'll soon be answering, as the great-gray one has almost surely thrown his last NFL pass after being slammed like a southern geriatric rag doll to the frozen turf on Monday night two weeks ago. The end really couldn't have come at a better time...

For Favre, or the NFL and commissioner Roger Goodell. You see, there was this whole, "Did or didn't Brett Favre text pictures of his odd-looking genitals to former-Jets employee Jen Sterger?" situation - a clear-cut example of extreme sexual harassment if ever there was one. The NFL and the commissioner had been investigating the situation for months, pretty obviously dragging their feet and hoping Favre would break his hip and enter the Shady Glen Retirement Home for Skeezy, Womanizing Ex-Quarterbacks before they were forced hand out a verdict on Favre's cock-related misdeeds.

Which is exactly what happened. With Favre all but officially done, Goodell and the NFL ruled this week that - after a lengthy investigation, multiple interviews, and enough forensic snooping to make Dayle Hinman blush - they still didn't have enough information to determine when the penis texts originated, and whether Favre was the sender.

The NFL did rule, however, that Favre had been uncooperative with the investigation - fining him $50,000 for this, and saying in a statement that, "Favre was not candid in several respects during the investigation, resulting in a longer review and additional negative public attention for Favre, Sterger, and the NFL."

(Because he's guilty, of course ...)

That sound you hear is Roger Goodell exhaling. Once known for his tough on conduct policy, the Favre saga has revealed a much more hypocritical side of the ginger ruler of the gridiron. Apparently, the commissioner has no problem coming down hard on a player - be it for off-field transgressions or "illegal hits" (James Harrison has paid upwards of $125,000 in fines this year for such hits) - but when it comes to a Wrangler-wearing, league poster-boy like Favre, even when it's obvious to the entire goddamn world that he blatantly sexually harassed a former co-worker, the commissioner isn't willing to live up to his own tough talk.

Really, Sterger should have just been honored to receive the texts from an NFL legend, right?

Thanks, commish!


Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell is a douchebag. Earlier this week, after last Sunday's NFL game between the Eagles and Vikings was postponed until Tuesday because of a major snowstorm on the East Coast, Rendell went on Philly radio to derail the decision.

"My biggest beef is what this is part of what's happened in this country ... I think we've become wussies ... We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything. If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game?"

OK, while the move might have been a little on the soft side - it was made for public safety concerns, not player concerns. Is it really manly to encourage thousands of fans to drive in blizzard conditions?

And secondly, we'd kick the Chinese's ASS at football. Trust me.

Given the stupidity of Rendell's comments, it was great to see workers at Philadelphia's Lincoln Financial Field dump a massive pile of snow on Rendell's seat for Tuesday night's game, a big sign sticking out of it that read, "THIS SEAT RESERVED FOR NON-WUSSIES."


Mississippi State basketball player Renardo Sidney made last week's "Dumb Jock of the Week" section of the column after being suspended by his coach for conduct detrimental to the team - later tweeting about the incident in a way that was both illiterate, and fairly defiant.

Well, Sidney upped the anti this week and went all in - caught on tape at a basketball tournament in Hawaii over the Christmas break fighting with fellow Mississippi State teammate Elgin Bailey. It's almost as though Sidney wanted to taunt "Cup Check" a little - targeting me over the holiday break as if to say, "You think THAT'S all the stupid I got in me? Wait until you see this!"

Well done, Renardo. Every day you seem to live up to the "nard" in your name.

That said, while Sidney has unquestionably made a complete ass out of himself during this ordeal, that doesn't excuse ESPN's Dick Vitale from publishing some of the worst written garbage we've come across in a long time in relation to Sidney's troubles.

Read the column here. Cover your eyes, high school English teachers.

And who the hell at ESPN thought it'd be a good idea to let Vitale write?

If I was a FOX news analyst, I'd suggest execution ...


Tucker Carlson isn't actually a jock, but he is an idiot - as he proved with comments this week suggesting Michael Vick should have been executed for bankrolling a dog-fighting ring. The comments came in a context in which Carlson (along with other FOX blowhards on Sean Hannity's show) was chastising President Obama (shocking!) for applauding the Eagles and owner Jeffrey Lurie for giving Vick a second chance.

While, personally, I feel like Vick's public image has gotten off easy, I do believe the man deserved a chance to renter society after paying for his crimes and reestablish his career - even if that career is playing in the NFL. The backbone of the criminal justice system is the idea of rehabilitation. If we're unwilling to let convicts become productive members of society, what's the goddamn point? There is none.

That said, Carlson should be executed for his effeminate hair, ludicrous bow ties and the constant look of stupidity on his face.


It's Seahawks vs. Rams this week for the NFC West title. Why? Because someone has to win it ...