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The letdown

Ladies, it's best to prepare for it

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On one Valentine's Day a couple years back, when I was considerably less cynical, I sent four old men to my girlfriend's work. They were my present: four octogenarian men in white tuxedos, brandishing roses and barber shop serenades. It cost $40, and it was absolutely perfect - as nearly as I could tell. It walked that fine line between sweet and embarrassing, which I think is what you look for in a Valentine's Day gift.

Here's the problem: I will never be able to do better than that. I set this precedent for myself far too early in life. Though I'm no longer with that girlfriend, I couldn't possibly repeat this stunt with a future love interest. Even if she had no idea, it would weigh heavily on my mind and make me feel cheap.

My only option, of course, is to never really try again.

Guys, leave the room. Ladies, let's talk.

Face it, now. Really think about it. Your man will most likely never do better than an elderly barber shop quartet, and, worse yet, he won't even really try. The best you can hope for is a bunch of flowers and maybe a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

In fact, I might even venture to say that if your dude does go all-out, it might behoove you to be suspicious. He's up to no good. Because men are pigs.

Knowing all of the above, as this most dire of holidays approaches, women should begin preparing themselves for the inevitable letdown.

Maybe you two will go out to a nice restaurant, or maybe he'll get you a voucher for a massage - or something equally mindless. He will not propose to you via skywriting, if that's what you're after. The best you can hope for is a proposal via a JumboTron, and if you're hoping for that, I suggest you take a serious look at the choices you've made in life.

Now that we've talked about reality, and hopefully your expectations have been vastly lowered, what is there to look forward to on Valentine's Day? After all, since you were a little girl, you've had an image in your head of some Prince Charming surprising you with a ludicrously romantic Valentine's gesture.

But here's the rub: Knowing that your fantasy is ludicrous, and it will never happen, you can now comfortably rest with the understanding that, whatever your man does, in his head it's a million times more romantic.

That's, in a way, the only really beautiful thing about Valentine's Day. It forces men out of their comfort zone - to think about what you might want, and making a real effort to make it a good experience for you.

Unfortunately, since your man was a little boy, he's had it in his head that Prince Charming gives flowers and chocolates and calls it a day. It's a simple case of a generation-spanning miscommunication.

And men are pigs.

Just know that, when he gives you a rose, in his mind it's an elderly barbershop quartet singing his love to you in four-part harmony.

At least I hope it is.

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