I just ate a whole can of chili. What's worse is that it wasn't even real chili. It was that vegetarian kind where they use some sort of processed soy product to replace the ground beef. That s*** will give you worse gas than the real stuff, and it won't be pretty. I feel bloated and cranky and am almost certain I just received an email from my ass telling me my bowels will self-destruct in less than three minutes.

Feel free to mull over that mental image for a second. (You're welcome.)

In the meantime, I'll tell you about the three drinks I had last Sunday at Red's Valley Pub.

DRINK ONE: Cucumber Vodka Tonic (bartender's choice) - Cute (but not single) Nick Kirkham of local band Fupacabra was our congenial bartender at Red's Valley Pub - leading us through the cobwebs of the resurrected Weekly Volcano Three Drink Minimum column.

As Kirkham and I chatted about the fun times we had together back when he was with Dirty Bird (of Tacoma, not Oly), Mr. DeRosa was a sneaky little bastard and drank up nearly all of my Cucumber Vodka Tonic! What a greedy jerk. I had only gotten a few sips into this absolutely delicious drink when it was snagged from under my nose.

Mr. DeRosa shall pay for this! And by pay, I mean pay the bill like he usually does. I'm not that mean, I swear.

DRINK TWO: Bloody Mary (most popular within the last hour) -  Having learned my lesson from the previous drink, I broke the International Speed Gulping (ISG) record with Kirkham's amazing Bloody Mary.

DRINK THREE: Irish Coffee (my choice) - Look, I chose an Irish Coffee because that damn Nick Kirkham gives away free friggen' donuts to the first 10 Sunday customers and I needed something to compliment the fried piece of sugar-glazed dough I was shoving in my mouth.

Next time I'll forgo the donuts and opt for Kirkham's Sunday breakfast menu. S.O.S biscuits and gravy, two eggs and potatoes for $3.95? Two words: Jenny Craig.

[Red's Valley Pub, 1206 Puyallup Ave., Tacoma, 253.572.8321]