For the past month I've seen just about every yee-hawin' family member south of the Texas panhandle. I've also tackled Mickey Mouse outside Cinderella's castle, busted skin on my aunt's new boat, chewed out some dude working the go-karts at an over-rated arcade, purchased a gallon (ok, two gallons) of Crown Royal at half the Washington State price, witnessed Mr. DeRosa eating the marrow out of an ox tail, flown across the country four times and sat for hours on end in a doctor's office over-analyzing chemotherapy, cancer and childhood memories.  Would you call it a vacation?  I'm not sure.

Upon return to the gorgeous Pacific Northwest, I wasn't quite sure what to think. Visiting family is hard. I was exhausted, confused and sad to see the weather so effin' dreary.  

I needed to ease myself back into life here as a Washingtonian. Gone were the days of sunny 85-degree weather, southern BBQ, Shiner beer  and locusts singing in the evening hours. There was only one way to conquer the inevitable return of my Texas drawl - and it comes in one very short phrase: THREE DRINK MINIMUM.  (With Bandito Betty, of course.)

Located just outside of Puyallup's thriving Main Street business district, Puerto Vallarta Restaurant is locally owned, and run with a staff full of personality and zing. We go not only for the fiery homemade salsa, but for stiff drinks and the servers who bring them.

Drink One: Fuzzy Mango (bartender's choice) - I get back home and here comes all the bullshit.  Bitchy women, crappy weather, unpaid bills, an empty fridge and no alcohol in the house.  Worst of all, I return to my desk at the Weekly Volcano headquarters and immediately smell the lingering scent of Matt Driscoll's Axe body spray on my favorite Garfield coffee mug.  Damn that jerk, I knew I should've hidden that thing. Just one mango-laden vodka drink wasn't going to be enough, I needed more.  Bandito Betty hugged me as I cried.

Drink Two: Classic Margarita (most popular drink within last hour) - Margarita? On the rocks, please!  Extra salt, too, so I can lick the rim before each sip, just like a thirsty hooker with an iodine deficiency.

Drink Three: Dos Equis Amber (my choice) - By the end of this frigidly delicious south-of-the-border beer, I had indeed remembered why I dealt with Matt's cheap cologne, Tacoma's crappy weather, it's lack of REAL BBQ and being so far from "home" ... my friends.  KAke, Kris, Jenny Fab  and Bandito Betty - for us, three drinks is never enough, is it?

Puerto Vallarta Restaurant

215 15th St. SE, Puyallup 253.848.8550