Last year, after analyzing extensive locally-drawn anonymous polls, I determined The Dock was one of Pierce County’s top dive bars.  Shortly after The Dock achieved their illustrious “Top Dive Bar” status, ownership changed hands from the fine people of Johnny’s Dock to gorgeous newbie Gwendolyn Stence, who renamed the bar the Rock the Dock Pub & Grill. 

Hearing this news, Bandito Betty and I immediately strapped on our drinkin’ vests and ducked into what we hoped would be an updated version of one of Tacoma’s dive bar landmarks.  With walls knocked down and carpet replaced, Ms. Gwendolyn Stence did not let us down.

Drink One: Dockside Dream (bartender’s choice) — I’m not quite sure if it was simply the coconut-flavored Malibu Rum residue left over from last week’s Three Drink Minimum, but that damn hard, hairy, brown and round tropical fruit came back to haunt me once again.  Although not as coconut-potent as last week’s liquid concoction, this fruit juice and rum drink whispered “bad decision” and penetrated my cerebrum almost instantaneously.  And speaking of penetrating your cerebrum, I implore you to try and use the words “hard,” “hairy,” “brown,” and “round” all in one sentence without giggling.

Drink Two: Porn Star (most popular drink within last hour) — The Porn Star is to the 2009 bar scene what the Lemon Drop/Kamikaze was to the 2000 bar scene — overplayed.  Imagine: Drunk, dumbass college chicks as they approach the bar in almost identical shirts bought at Nordstrom, feeling a rush of rebellion as they yell out their drink order over a bad karaoke rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”.

“I’ll have a PORN STAR!” 

Ugh.

Drink Three: Bloody Mary (my choice) — Speaking of porn stars, you wouldn’t believe what the table next to us was watching on their tiny mobile phone screens as I sipped away at my Bloody Mary.  Yep, you guessed it — PORN!  I witnessed graphic images — the whole nine yards, I kid you not.  What impressed Bandito Betty was not that I could recall the titles of said images simply by rifling through my mental porn rolodex, but that I was able to make out the small images after three solid drinks.  Seriously, folks, who watches porn on a tiny mobile phone screen?  If you’re gonna do it, do it right — get an iPhone!  Trust me; the picture clarity is well worth the purchase. — Steph DeRosa

[Rock the Dock Pub & Grill, 535 Dock St., Tacoma, 253.272.5004]