Hello. It’s Carmen, writing from the bellow of a tall ship.



The pirates who have stolen Natasha and I have given me a chance to let you all know that we’re OK.



They’re not getting rough with us on the tall ship, but this dress is pretty annoying and stinky in this summertime weather. Of course, the pirates don’t care about that.



The big fat one who commandeered Natasha’s column this week likes me the best. He’s the captain, so all others are steering clear. However, I’ve outsmarted him so many times that he’s starting to keep his distance.



Each day I’ve been taking on a new tactic to scare off his scurvy ass.



One day, I took in tons of garlic and breathed on him.



The next day I consumed so many beans and ripped ’em so bad that I stunk him out of the room.



I haven’t brushed my teeth in several days.



Today, I told him that I have the herpes, and thankfully, he’s given up for now.



While I’ve been stuck with the lard-ass, leave it to Natasha to attract a handsome pirate. She’s now got some kind of romance going on with hers, and something is telling me that she might not come back to shore whenever we finally get to leave this stupid boat.



Although they might kill me for saying so, these guys aren’t real pirates. No pirate has Wi-fi connections, but that’s actually been really nice because they’ve been letting me check my MySpace and Facebook accounts, under close monitoring, though.



They made me delete my secret coded message to Flarry so he could beat these pirates up and save me.



The very best part about being held hostage with pirates is the food. I don’t think I’ve ever had this many chicken drums, and like I said, these guys aren’t real pirates because we’ve even barbecued.



They’ve been forcing me to tell them where to go in Tacoma to pick up on girls. For the ones who want the cougars, I’ve sent them to Asado and Pacific Grill. For those who like ’em young, I’ve pushed them to the Swiss and Masa. I’ve tried to help fix their fashion, but my advice doesn’t seem to be sinking in.



I guess it isn’t so bad on this ship because the pirates have also bought us bikinis so they could have eye candy, and I’ve been taking that opportunity to work on my tan.



I wish I was with all of you right now, but they’ve promised that tomorrow they’ll set us free.

I’m really, really happy about that because it means I’ll get to keep my 4th of July plans to celebrate at Little Lizzle’s house with the likes of Tam Tam, Gretchen and others. We might even head back to my house for a late-night dance party. Eastside represent!!!!



So don’t worry about Natasha and me, darling readers, we, or at least, I, will be heading ashore soon!



Tell me where you like to party at permanentlipstick@hotmail.com.