I had heard from a friend who heard from a friend who heard from a friend that one of the highest concentrations of fecal matter was found in the finger holes in bowling balls.



BanditoBetty and I were looking for a huge helping of crap alongside our dive bar lunch, so it was natural for us to roll on over to Tower Lanes on Sixth Avenue.



What comes as a convenience to all Tower Lanes dive bar patrons with small children is the entrance to the bar portion of the restaurant is located adjacent to the putt-putt golf area. The safety of your kids should be only a small concern as the lunchtime barflies walk out of the dark beer dungeon for a breather.



What we quickly learned is that low-class dining comes at a high price. Take for instance a french dip, the cost is $8.10. First of all, why the extra ten cents? Bandito says it was the cost of the feces you would be moshing on with your dip. I think it’s to cover the costs of the iron gates outside the door.



Secondly, only if I was dining at Primo Grill or something similar would I expect to pay fucking $8.10 for a sandwich. Directly across the street at Cloverleaf Pizza, you can find a poop-free french dip for $6.95. At the Parkway Tavern, Bandito will serve you a killer cheeseburger dip for only $6.50.



There were five basic domestic beers on tap, two of which were out.



The regulars, all smoke-wrinkled faces and appearing to be in their late 70s (although I’m sure they were around 50 years old), were greeted with “Oh, hi guys! You’re usual? The number two two two?” No joke, even their order numbers were fecal-related. What the deuce?

Tower Lanes

Food: Overpriced

Service: Shitty (pun intended)

Mullet Count: All patrons balding



Bar Exam Dive Grade: A-