Bobble Tiki is not sexy. In fact, Bobble Tiki isn’t sure he has a sexy bone in his body. Bobble Tiki’s hair isn’t sexy, nor is his physique, nor his wardrobe, nor his persona as the most drunken member of the Weekly Volcano staff.

It’s simple. When it comes to sex appeal, Bobble Tiki doesn’t even register.

Tab Benoit, on the other hand, is the pure definition of sexy — at least according to Mrs. Tiki, who swoons and drools for days every time she sees the world renowned blues guitarist do his thing in Tacoma. This Friday and Saturday at Jazzbones, she’ll get two more chances to do just that — and something tells Bobble Tiki he’ll be hearing about it for a long time. Two shows with Tab Benoit in Tacoma may be enough to drive Mrs. Tiki completely wild with lust.
Mrs. Tiki goes crazy for Benoit, and Bobble Tiki can see why. First off, there’s his beard.
Rarely has Bobble Tiki laid eyes on a finer piece of well-groomed manliness. Benoit’s beard is perfect. It’s not too long, but not too sparse. While a beard makes many men look grizzled and unsavory, Tab Benoit is one of those rare individuals who seems made for a face rug.
Then there’s his Southern charm. Mrs. Tiki isn’t alone in her attraction toward Benoit. Every time Bobble Tiki has seen Benoit perform, there’s been a large group of ladies in the audience equally infatuated. Benoit and his beard exude a slow and warm Southern magnetism that draws in women from far and wide. When Benoit chats
it up with female admirers between sets, they melt like butter under the power of his down-home dialect.

Other things that make Tab Benoit sexy include:

The fact that he drinks Courvoisier.
The fact that his name is Tab.
Did Bobble Tiki mention his beard?

The fact that he appeared in the premiere episode of Baywatch Nights and his music has been featured on Party of Five and Melrose Place. (Look it up.)

Instead of actually interviewing Benoit this week, and asking him actual questions about his actual music, Bobble Tiki decided to dig a little deeper. Most people know by now that Benoit is one of the premiere blues guitarists currently touring our great nation, playing shows in towns big and small. What few have investigated is Benoit’s sex appeal. Taking nothing away from his guitar chops, the way women are mesmerized by this Southern gentleman is fascinating all by itself.

Bobble Tiki spoke with a Benoit groupie this week, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of embarrassing her friends and family. Below is what Bobble Tiki learned:

BOBBLE TIKI: On average, Tab Benoit plays more than 250 shows a year. How many times have you seen Benoit perform?

BENOIT GROUPIE: I first got interested in Tab when I heard him on the Justice Records compilation Strike a Deep Chord: Blues Guitars for the Homeless. He contributed a song called “Nice and Warm.” It wasn’t until I saw him perform that I realized what a tight ass he had. That’s when Tab began to make my lady parts feel “nice and warm.” I’ve seen him hundreds of times.

TIKI: How old are you?

GROUPIE: I’m 58.

TIKI: That’s gross.

GROUPIE: Say what you want. I saw you looking at my rack.

TIKI: Good point.

Tab Benoit will play twice this week at Jazzbones, on both Friday and Saturday night. Every time Benoit makes it to T-Town, Jazzbones is packed. Whether it’s his sex appeal or blues skills is up to you. All Bobble Tiki knows is you should probably make a reservation if you want to catch a piece of Tab this weekend. You won’t be alone.   

As usual, Bobble Tiki doesn’t give a hoot what you do this week because he doesn’t even know you. Unless you can show Bobble Tiki something cooler than the Weekly Volcano’s two new billboards, Bobble Tiki’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to meet you. Check out Breakfast with Bobble Tiki every Monday through Saturday at www.weeklyvolcanospew.com and consider yourself close enough.

[Jazzbones, Feb. 22-23, 9 p.m., $15-$17, 2803 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.396.9169].