When the Weekly Volcano heard about the air band competition at Cans this Saturday it so had our name on it. After all, we know a little something about rocking out, and as our weekly masthead attests — “We do have solid dance moves, too.” If the Weekly Volcano formed an air band we would win hands down. It wouldn’t even be fair to the other competitors. So instead of receiving jealous stares and hate mail for the next three weeks, we decided to step aside. Instead, we bow to the PR Biddy for the City, Roxanne Murphy, who will host Battle of the Air Bands Saturday, Sept. 22, with three secret judges.



Jon Tartaglia, operating partner of Cans, explains that up to five people are allowed in each “band.” No equipment is allowed on stage, and all instrumental and vocal parts must be simulated as the music plays. The grand prize is $500. The 2nd and 3rd prizes will be announced that night.



“When its done right it looks pretty cool,” says Tartaglia, “This will be less official than a real battle of the bands but hopefully a lot more fun. We know there’s going to be some good and some bad. We definitely want the best to win.”



He said the air bands will be judged on three things: appearance (“do they look like a band?”), synchronization (of lyrics, background vocals and instruments) and showmanship (the intangible essence of the performance).



They are hoping that at least 10 air bands will compete. Several have registered already. Some are groups of friends, others are co-workers. Personally I just hope that no one rips the seam out of their spandex while gyrating under the spotlight.

Insider tips

In salute of those about to rock, we gathered up some tips from real guitar players on how to rock the air guitar like a pro.



Jon Auer of The Posies: “I don’t think it’s guitar moves themselves that actually convince people you are a champion air guitarist. More important are the ‘guitar faces’ you make and how much you move around. If you want tailor-made examples of good guitar face, I would suggest smelling some moldy Bleu cheese in front of a mirror and taking notes on your expression. Then try dropping a small television on one of your feet and see what your face decides to do next. A hundred to one, you will end up looking like you’re playing the solo from ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ by the Scorpions. It’s a winner every time.”



Bob Crow, guitar instructor at Guitar Emporium: “The high-leg kick is crucial. This is the one area that the air-guitarist can actually outdo most real guitarists. Do the Pete Townsend windmill. One or two of these in the right part of a song can add a new dynamic to the air guitarist’s performance, but wait for the right spot and don’t go overboard, as this move can become cliché real quick. Keep your air guitar hanging low. You don’t need to look at your fingers. There are no ‘wrong notes’ in air guitar. Seriously, practice your high-leg kick and do the proper stretches so you don’t hurt yourself.”



Andras Jones of Andras Jones and The Previous: “The under-over fret hand move with the upside-down hammer on is a classic. Much more impressive than air-picking with your teeth.”



Jeff Angell of Post Stardom Depression and The Missionary Position: “My advice would be to YouTube Johnny Thunders and Keith Richards. Good luck!”



Jake from Bloodhag: “I always thought you should pretend you have a double or triple-necked guitar like the guy from Cheap Trick ‘Oh damn, he’s on the other neck!’”



Billy Stambaugh of the Painkillers: “Make sure to tell them when they’re air guitaring ... no matter what!!! the most important part is to be in key!”



Dale Phillips, bass player for Girl Trouble: “Turn it up loud!”



Kim Archer of the Kim Archer Band: “Whatever you’re playing .. feel it and sell it to the crowd!”



[Cans, Saturday, Sept. 22, 8-10 p.m., no cover, 100 S. Ninth St., Tacoma, 253.272.0777, www.cansofbeer.com]