Oh my god. Bobble Tiki loves the Fourth of July. He’s loves it so freakin’ much he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s giddy for two weeks in advance and suffers from a deep depression for two weeks after.

Bobble Tiki is as patriotic as they come — at least when it comes to blowing stuff up. Ever since Bobble Tiki can remember, since he was barely big enough for his youth size grass skirt, Bobble Tiki has loved to light fire to things and watch them go bang.

Bobble Tiki loves Whistling Bungholes, Spleen Spliters, Whisker Biscuits, Honkey Lighters, Hoosker Doos, Hoosker Donts, Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Daisers, with or without the Scooter Stick, and Whistling Kitty Chasers.

Bobble Tiki loves the Fourth of July.

Recently, Bobble Tiki’s friends and immediate family have tried to curb his penchant for destruction on the Fourth. They’ve advised him to give it up, and cited the many laws that now prohibit all of Bobble Tiki’s favorite exploding concoctions. They point out that, by some strange act of extreme luck, Bobble Tiki still has all his digits, and that he should stop while he’s ahead. They try to point Bobble Tiki in safer directions and steer him toward activities that aren’t likely to end in incarceration or intensive care.

Luckily, Bobble Tiki’s friends don’t need to look very far. It just so happens that one of the grandest Fourth of July celebrations in all of the United States happens every year in Tacoma, invading Ruston Way and turning the entire waterfront and most of Point Defiance park into a swarming mess of Fourth of July fun. It’s known as the Tacoma Freedom Fair, and if you’re not already familiar with the event, you’re behind the times. Like Bobble Tiki, you’d better listen up.
As it turned out, Bobble Tiki’s friends needed to mention only three qualities of the Tacoma Freedom Fair to sell him on the idea. Food. Music. Bang.

First the food. Back when Bobble Tiki was still skeptical about the Tacoma Freedom Fair, one of Bobble Tiki’s office mates slid his chair toward Bobble Tiki’s computer and typed in www.freedomfair.com. Amidst all the pictures of fun and frivolity, Bobble Tiki’s coworker went straight for the “International Food Court” section. It wasn’t long before Bobble Tiki’s mouth was at full attention.

“The food booths will set up along the Ruston Way waterfront offering Japanese foods like: calamari, flame-broiled bento in teriyaki chicken or beef, stir-fry vegetables or Yakisoba noodles. Mexican style foods will include tacos, nachos, quesadillas, burritos, fajitas and southwestern black beans. (There) will be plenty of hand-dipped ice cream bars, Italian meatball sandwiches, Hawaiian sausage, tropical shaved ice, roasted corn on-the-cob, Philadelphia sandwiches, Greek gyros, Maui Wowi fresh fruit blend drinks. If that’s not enough, why not try some Hungarian goulash, Peruvian style meat kabobs, Vietnamese foods, German kettle popcorn, Caesar salads, authentic German bratwurst, giant pretzels, Tri-Tip of Beef Sandwiches and East African sambusa rolls or chicken piripiri in fresh peanut sauce.”

Dear, lord. There is a heaven. When Bobble Tiki passes on, he hopes he’s done enough in his lifetime to warrant eternal existence somewhere as divine as the Tacoma Freedom Fair’s International Food Court.

Second, the music. Once Bobble Tiki picked his tongue up off the floor from hearing about the food, another one of Bobble Tiki’s friends, this one slimmer but equally concerned about Bobble Tiki’s pyromania, noted the flabbergasting schedule of musicians set to perform as part of the Freedom Fair. It’s as though the fine folks who put this thing together had their finger on the pulse of Tacoma’s safe and sane Fourth of July crowd. Seven stages will be set up along the Ruston waterfront offering everything from blues to smooth jazz, to bands the likes of DoctorfunK and Kry. Bobble Tiki is fairly sure that the forefathers of this nation weren’t listening to spot-on renditions of ’70s classics and Top 40 selections as good as the real thing, but he’s pretty sure they should have been.

Lastly, the bang. What would a Fourth of July celebration be without fireworks?

If you said lame, you’re absolutely correct.

The Freedom Fair knows this, which is why, blessed with the perfect backdrop of a Commencement Bay sky, technicians will detonate what’s being toted as “the biggest fireworks show in the Northwest.”

Seattle’s Fourth of Jul-Ivars can kiss Bobble Tiki’s hairy, Tacoma ass!

From what Bobble Tiki is hearing, the fireworks are set to start at 10:10 p.m., and every color of the rainbow will be represented. The Tacoma Freedom Fair is promising the display will “shake the waterfront, the city, and beyond.” It will last about 21 minutes, and the display will be synchronized to a musical score that will be pumped through every speaker along the waterfront. The music will also be simulcast on Warm 106.9FM for your enjoyment.

Consider Bobble Tiki sold.

While Bobble Tiki knows what he’s doing this Fourth of July, and for once it doesn’t appear to involve 23 Coors Lights (although it’s still too early to know for sure), Bobble Tiki doesn’t give a damn what you decide to do. For all Bobble Tiki cares, you could stay at home and watch your guinea pigs turn alfalfa into tiny, fudge colored, jelly beans. All Bobble Tiki knows is it’s the Fourth of July, and he’s bringing sexy back. Look out, Ruston.