Throughout my 25 years of existence, I’ve taken many a road, and I’d say I’ve learned my way around. For example: pretty sure the road to hell is paved with my Nordstrom receipts. And the way to a man’s stomach? Screw baked goods. It’s through his NCAA bracket … or his toilet seat.
In today’s society, most women consider it chivalrous to give a courtesy flush, and they’re damn right. Luckily for all of you readers, we at the Weekly Volcano have found your savior, the Breeza Warm.
The Breeza Warm is a revolutionary new toilet seat made by Brondell that eliminates 98.5 percent of bathroom “stank.” From the second you sit down, the body-activated smart sensor immediately begins deodorizing. It arrests odors with a silent fan before your other half is any the wiser. Next, it sanitizes any contaminated air with an odor-absorbing activated carbon replaceable filter. The surrounding air is then freshened with the infused natural extracts from the replaceable fragrance vent. So, in English, it captures the foul odor, makes it smell good, then releases it, all the time using a filter that needs to be changed only every six months.
Even better, it’s AC powered, so it plugs directly into the wall. Plus it has a heated seat, with three temperature settings! Hey, who hasn’t had a heart palpitation after sitting their arse on a frigid john? According to the company, it takes only 15 minutes to install, the seat and lid close gently when not in use, and both are anti-microbial.
After researching, we decided to check out some “real people” reviews. On gizmodo.com, one guy said that the air freshener was probably just Glade, and that it would simply smell like you took a dump in the forest. Another fella’ was worried that his ass hair would get caught in the fan. Someone else wanted to add a muffler or ventriloquist, so he could blame any noises on the dog. All valid concerns, but the Breeza Warm still received a four-out-of-five rating on most websites. My only reservation would be removing the used filter. It’s surely the vilest thing ever.
If having a toasty bum is irrelevant, the Breeza also comes without the heating element. So far, no one in T-Town is selling these bad boys, but you can score one at Sherman Supply Co. Inc. in Seattle on South Lucile Street, or online. The Breeza sells for $130, and the Breeza Warm sells for $200. This innovative new toilet gadget is sure to be comfy for some, and vital for others. And you thought that case of halitosis was bad. Word.
You can purchase the Breezas at www.brondell.com and www.amazon.com.